it's just me

Not Gone....

2011-11-02T08:23:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

I am not gone, I have just focused my energies into other things. I will no longer be posting on my blog. Honestly, it wasn't all that interesting and it isn't much fun to write when no one reads. I am too busy with other things that interest me to do this anymore. So long!

There's a Snake in My Boot!!

2011-07-06T13:09:00.000-07:00

Each student in Dakotah's class at school had to make a 3D animal. Dakotah chose the anaconda. So I figured we should go all the way and make it big. And one of my great idea's actually worked!!!

Here's a pic of quite a handsome guy! Wow!

Again

2011-06-10T10:58:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are again. Today is Austin's birthday. He would be 3 years old.

I thought that because more time had passed that today would be easier than previous years. But I have a swell of emotions churning inside me. I feel dizzy, tired, sad, anxious, and I could be sick at any moment. The most curious emotion is nervousness.

Yesterday was not only the day before Austin's birthday, but the day we found that he had died. Last night when I went to bed I was remembering that 3 years ago I was in the hospital wondering how I could do this.

Today is not only Austin's birthday, but the day he arrived, without breath. Today is the day that I held my son for the only time in this life.

So please forgive me for not answering my phone today. Please understand if I cry. Most of all, please, please, remember my son.

I'm Done

2011-06-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

For the two people that still read my blog, you are probably ready to hear my "surprise announcement". Here it is:

I am no longer teaching piano lessons.

I really struggled this year to find a balance with my kids and teaching and I never really found one. I kept feeling like I should and can be doing better to help my kids with homework or just being able to talk to them right after school. Colby would wake from his nap and be taken downstairs by Savannah and he would not be happy that he couldn't see Mom.

So after much inner discussions (and asking Clay if it was okay) I decided to quit. Now my kids will have me 100% after school and I'm looking forward to the extra time with them. I'm excited for school to be over so we can have fun this summer!

My Little Boy is TWO!!!

2011-05-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Colby's birthday and we had a fun day. We went to Red Robin for dinner, then had cake and opened presents at home. Take a look!

In this video, Clay brings out a basketball hoop.

He loves these tools from my mom. He slept with the screwdriver last night.

He got a lot of sand box toys from Grandma Hayes. Now he'll have something to play with outside.

And new clothes from my mom. He looks very handsome.

Look at this awesome birthday cake!!! My friend Amy used her great knowledge of cakes and helped me make this cake so I wouldn't have another disaster like last year. Thanks Amy!

This video is of Colby, ah, not blowing out his candles. He didn't quite get that part.

Happy birthday to my sweet little boy!

Project Paint Girls' Rooms--Complete

2011-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

A couple months ago Clay and I decided to let Savannah have her own room downstairs. So a big project started. First of all, the storage room would become Savannah's new room so I had to figure out where all the food and other stuff was going to go. That took some planning and finagling but we got that figured out. Then I started painting. A lot. As in 5 different colors. By myself. Savannah wanted two colors, so Dakotah did too, and I had to peel off a wallpaper border and prime Dakotah's room first. I got Savannah's painted in 3 days (only painting while Colby napped, of course) and Dakotah's took a week but they are both finished and the girls are happily living in their own rooms.

Here are some before pics of the girls room

Dakotah's room! We ordered some wall decals that will pretty up the walls a little more.

Savannah's new room!

So next I am preparing for a yard sale I am having in June. I'm getting rid of all my baby clothes, our TV and entertainment center since we bought a new one, toys, Clay's tool box for his truck (which hasn't lived in his truck for 8 years) and other various stuff. Right now my sewing room is a mess with all the stuff I'm collecting. It'll be good to get rid of it and have my sewing room back to its original cleanliness.

Oh, and stayed tuned for a surprise announcement coming in June!!

TAE KWON DO

2011-04-12T17:29:00.000-07:00

We went to my mom's for spring break and the girls' favorite thing to do was to take a class at my brother-in-law's karate studio. They loved it and I have to admit that he was a great teacher. It was so fun to watch. We'll probably do a class every time we visit now.

The goofy teacher is my brother-in-law.

Savannah got her white belt!

Dakotah got her white belt!

Success!!

2011-04-09T21:10:00.000-07:00

We have been hard at work over here trying to learn the names of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Last year during general conference, every time a new speaker started talking Savannah would say, "Who's that guy?" It really bugged me because "those guys" are important people in our church! So I bought their pictures and during Family Home Evenings we would concentrate on one at a time, reading the information about them on the back and then I would pin it on the wall in the dining room so we would see them often.

We finished learning them just before General Conference. During conference was test time and my girls did great!! Savannah would hardly pause before saying the entire name of the person. Mission accomplished!!

Wretched Wind!

2011-02-21T13:00:00.000-08:00

I really don't like the wind.

It is the thing that I don't like the most about living here in Washington.

It messes up my hair, blows tumbleweeds everywhere, makes our sliding door hard to close, gets dirt in my eyes, and makes it colder outside.

But the #1 reason why I don't like the wind is because it blows away the things that we leave on Austin's grave.

Usually we find them somewhere nearby, but this time all Austin's presents are gone, save one. We looked everywhere possible, but the wind has taken them away this time. Three of his stuffed animals that had been left to keep him company have been blown away. The remaining one, which fortunately is the most precious, has been stuffed into the flower vase where it can't go anywhere.

I have tried taping them to the headstone before, but it gets wet and then doesn't stick anymore. So if anyone has any brilliant ideas about how to keep things from blowing away, I would greatly appreciate if you would share them with me.

She'll Laugh About It Someday

2011-02-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

I hate it when our morning is going great, only to be disrupted by the dog. Harsh to blame the dog? Well, just wait until you read what she did...........

I've gotten into the habit of taking Cuddles with us to drop the kids off at school because it's easier than getting her into her carrier. (She's not allowed to be free at home alone because of peeing reasons.) So this morning she ran outside to the car with us. When we got to school, I pulled up to the sidewalk for Savannah to get out and Cuddles escaped. Here's where pandemonium broke out. I didn't want to get out because I was in workout clothes and slippers. I yelled at Savannah to run across the street and grab Cuddles. As soon as Cuddles saw Savannah coming she zoomed down the street. (Remember that a ton of cars are driving down this road to the school.) Savannah would get close and Cuddles would take off again. Finally Savannah came back to the car sobbing because she couldn't get Cuddles. She may have been a little embarrassed at all the kids watching her try to catch this little wiener dog! So I told her to go on to school and I would try to get Cuddles. But things had gone too far for Savannah. She climbed back into the van and cried that she didn't want to go to school. (All the while, Cuddles is having a free for all on the neighbors lawns.) So I was trying to keep an eye on Cuddles' location and trying not to lose it with Savannah. Finally Cuddles nonchalantly came back across the road and I got her in the van. Then I finally convinced Savannah to get out of the van and try to have a good day. Rotten dog!

Side note: it is very difficult to exercise using the Wii Fit when Colby is trying to use it too. I don't do very well with his body in the way.

It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

2011-02-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Grandmas,

We had another piano recital the other day! We did so awesome! All Mom's students memorized their songs. Please watch the videos of us. Savannah's video is at home because the one at the recital was too big to put on here.Oh, and the video of Dakotah is a little wiggly because Dad was trying to film and hold Colby at the same time.

We have also started playing soccer again. This year we are on different teams so right now Saturdays are called Soccer Days. On each of our first games, Dakotah and Savannah both scored a goal! It was exciting. Colby loves soccer, too, and wishes he could play with us. It makes Dad tired trying to keep Colby off the court. Here is a video of Colby at our practice. Mom will put more videos of soccer up when she remembers to take the camera again.

Something else that happened is Dakotah is now a toothless wonder!! She thinks it's fun having a lot of missing teeth.

We love to read books to Colby. He loves to read with us. We are becoming really good readers. Aren't we cute??

Love, Savannah, Dakotah, and Colby

Double Time

2011-01-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

You know how sometimes something so unbelievable happens that you can't help but laugh at the circumstances?

This is not one of those times. Please look carefully at the photo below.

No, you are not seeing double. We found my lost watch. (Read here for the story.)

Crazy!! We deemed it gone forever, thrown out with the trash, so Clay bought me an identical one for Christmas again. (The first watch was my Christmas present last year.) Not a month later, Dakotah found it under our loveseat in the living room. It's a rocker so we have it set away from the wall a bit. The kids like to play behind it and when Dakotah went behind it, there on the floor was my watch. We think that Colby put it in the loveseat and it eventually was jiggled out. We looked in, under, and around that thing 5 times!

So, what am I going to do with two watches? Clay said I should keep one as a backup. Very funny. Someone said I could wear one watch on each arm. Not exactly my style. I keep thinking about how much the dang thing cost. It's not a Walmart watch, folks. Not over the top but a little more than should be spent on a watch twice. The store won't take it back because I wore it. I'm feeling a little guilty about begging Clay to buy me a new one.

So I guess what I'm asking is, does anybody want to buy my Christmas present? We'll give you a good deal. It even comes with a warranty! Really, any takers?

Christmas, Christmas Time Was Here

2010-12-30T10:06:00.000-08:00

Now I'd better post about it before it's next year....

Colby got a battery powered four-wheeler. The coolest gift ever.

Our nativity scene. Colby actually left his headpiece on for the entire story.

Funny sidestory: we have a motion sensor snowman that talks and plays music when you walk by. I turned it around so the kids wouldn't set it off when they walked by for the navitity. Nicole stood behind it to take pictures and every time her camera flashed the snowman would go off.

What good is a big present? To eat breakfast on, of course!

Dresses I made for my girls. This was the easiest fabric I have ever had the pleasure of working with.

Now Clay has Ticket To Ride USA, Europe, and Germany.

And what did I get for Christmas? Well, it's the exact same watch I got last year. Only this one won't get lost. I promise.

Your Attention Please!!

2010-12-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

Hello. My name is Andrea Hayes and I am known as unapproachable.

I had a great talk with a friend a while back and she revealed this about me. Okay, I thought. Something to improve on.

Last night I went to a great party and at the end I was talking with a great group of gals and I mentioned what my friend had said and apparently everyone still thinks this about me. "I always think you are mad at me." "You look like you don't want to be talked to." Well, no wonder I don't have many friends! Of course losing a child and going through the mourning process for two years will put a damper on my face. Of course I haven't been smiling! I was sad, people!!!

But that I still look like this bugs me. Because I am not mourning anymore. I am finding happiness in life again. Too bad my face doesn't show it. So this is something to work on.

So, for the record, I AM approachable!! I consider myself a friendly person and once I get to know you and feel comfortable around you, my funny personality will show. Please give me a chance! Please talk to me and say hello to me. Really, I am a nice person.

(Disclaimer: I am also shy and hate to be rejected so may not always approach you first. Also, I may be in a bad mood depending on what events occurred on any given day, but usually get over it with friendly conversation.)

Post With No Name

2010-12-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged for a while but, really, who wants to read about the mundane tasks of my day. I get to play with a cute little boy (who is NOT mundane) but, man, he is a pooper!!!! He also would love nothing more than to play in that glorious snow (cough) but his mommy is a bit of a wimp. I do not play in the snow. But I do make a mean cup of hot cocoa!!!!

I am happy to say that I am 100% excited about this holiday season. After Austin died, the last thing I wanted to do was celebrate anything. That gloom has past. I am singing Christmas carols, and I am so excited to watch Colby see the tree lit up (which will be put up this Saturday). I have finished all of my Christmas shopping except one present and I have a couple ideas for the Christmas gathering that we are hosting this year. Yes, I feel good right now.

Oh yeah, I am being put in nursery in January. I'm not too thrilled about that but I have ideas there too!! Hopefully they will make it easier for the kids and more enjoyable for me.

Colby Is 18 Months Old!

2010-11-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

Our little Colby is 18 months old today. He is such a character. He loves to do things to make us laugh. His favorite thing is to walk around the house with a wet washcloth on his head.

Here Colby is all dressed up for church. One minute after taking this picture, he took the tie off and broke it. The tie never made it to church.

We bought a new dog carrier for Cuddles. But someone else thought it made a good playhouse. We had a hard time getting him out of it! Every time we would open the door, he would pull it shut again.

For the First Time

2010-11-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

Every year that we have been married, Clay goes fishing with his dad the week of his birthday. This year he didn't go fishing so for the first time in 11 years we were with him on his birthday! We celebrated by having a little party for him. The first party was cancelled because Savannah, Clay and Colby were sick. We rescheduled and invited some of Clay's little friends. (And their parents!)

Here's a picture of my little Tigger, Dorothy, and Wicked Witch. They got so much candy at the ward trunk or treat that they didn't even miss going real trick or treating!

And here's a picture of my latest sewing project. I love it when I make something for the girls that they love so much they wear it as soon as it is clean!

What Time Is It??

2010-11-03T11:40:00.000-07:00

See this watch?

Clay gave it to me for Christmas last year. It looks much nicer than my old one. It has diamonds around the face, a purple face (my favorite color!) and it also says the date. I love this watch!

Too bad it is missing.

Last Wednesday (a whole week now) when I was helping the girls with homework, Colby pulled on it so I took it off me, and put it on his arm and he walked into the kitchen (we were at the kitchen table). Later I went to get it off the floor but it wasn't there. Not to worry! I'll find it in the morning!

That was a week ago. Every day since I have been pleading with Colby to find my watch. We have looked up and down, inside and out, over and under and seriously all around. We moved the fridge and stove. Clay took off the air return vents in case Colby put it through there. We looked under, in, and around the couches. Clay even took apart my piano. We have looked in every room in the house, in every drawer and cupboard. I even looked inside the oven and dishwasher. Clay thinks it was thrown away with the trash, but I ALWAYS shut the pantry door where the trash is because Colby loves to get into things. When I open the door, I immediately shut it 'cuz that kid is fast! I am very sure (but not entirely, of course) that it didn't go in the trash.

For the past few days I have been wearing my old watch, but this morning the wristband broke. Woe is me! I hate not knowing what time it is!!

So if you have any ideas of remote places that it could be, let me know even though I've probably already checked there.

(And I'm harboring a tiny hope that Clay will get me a new watch for Christmas that looks amazingly identical to the one I lost. And this watch ain't going on no baby's arm!!!)

Status

2010-11-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Clay--Sick with flu.

Me--Sick with cold.

Savannah--Sick with flu.

Dakotah--Not sick yet!!

Colby--Was sick with flu this weekend. Better now.

Verdict

2010-10-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

We will not be trick or treating on Halloween. I wrote the answer to my own question in my last post. It is not a Sunday appropriate activity. Sunday is a time of respite from other daily activities and a time to think more about Christ and the gospel. Kind of hard to do this if we're running around the neighborhood dressed as the Wicked Witch and Dorothy, begging people for candy.

This is an excellent opportunity to live what we believe and not just say what we believe. We are more restrictive in our home on what is okay to do on Sunday every Sunday and it would send a mixed message to our kids if we allow them to trick or treat on Sunday. They have missed birthday parties and have lived. They are young enough that they have plenty of Halloweens in their future to enjoy.

One comment from someone I don't know suggested having our Sunday rest on Saturday. That doesn't quite work for us. For one thing, we go to church on Sunday. Another reason is as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we believe that Sunday is the day set aside not only as a day of rest, but as a day to go to church to worship and to do missionary work and spend time together as a family.

So this Halloween, we will hole up in our family room and gorge ourselves on the candy I bought. We will go to the trunk or treat a couple days before. Then we'll move on to the next holiday. And I will have peace of mind, knowing I made the right decision for my family.

Opinions Needed

2010-10-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

This year, Halloween is on a Sunday. So are we going trick or treating on Sunday? Is it going to be changed to Saturday? I don't want my kids to miss out on trick or treating, but it doesn't fit in the "Appropriate Activities for Sunday" category. If it's on Sunday it would be really lame to have the whole neighborhood out, but my kids can't go. Yes, our ward is having a Trunk-or-treat night, but I think those are so lame. It takes away the whole fun of going door to door. Trunk to trunk just isn't fun.

So what do you think? I really need some ideas on how this holiday should be handled.

Savannah

2010-09-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Our sweet Savannah was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints a few weeks ago. She took part in a mini photo shoot with the other young lady who was baptized the same day she was. These are some of the pictures they took (besides the first one). Isn't she so beautiful??

(PS is anyone else frustrated at Blogger?)

When Sisters Get Silly

2010-09-14T21:33:00.000-07:00

Things I'm Excited About Today!

2010-08-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

I finally became a winner!! I entered a drawing for Scentsy products even though I never win anything. Ever. Once my friend had a giveaway on her blog and I won but she didn't think it was fair that I won because we are close friends so she redrew. So even when I'm a winner, I'm a loser. But I won the scentsy drawing!! I won a full-size warmer and three bars!! Hooray!!

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Mr. Clean. How could I have gone so long without knowing the wonders of Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser? My shower shines like it never has before with little effort on my part and it even wiped away dry erase marker that had been left on the whiteboard for a little too long. Hooray!!

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School starts on Monday. I will be able to grocery shop with only one child. Hooray!!

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We just received a package from Fedex that was the Ticket To Ride game Europe edition. We didn't order it and we don't know who it's from. I have entered a few things online. Could I have won again?

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Did I mention I'm a winner??

Happy Birthday to Dakotah!!

2010-08-23T13:17:00.001-07:00

Dakotah's birthday was actually Saturday, but I a now getting to her birthday post. I just wanted to share pictures of our sweet, energtic girl who is now a big 6 years old!!

I absolutely love this picture. She is so beautiful!

(She can get a little attitude sometimes!)

Dakotah is such a sweet girl. She has a lot of spunk in her tiny body and she makes our days so fun!! We love you, Kotah!

Happy Birthday to Cuddles!!

2010-08-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

Today is Cuddles' birthday and she is 10 years old!! While it may seem strange to devote a post to our dog, she was, after all, our first child, as some of the following pictures prove. She was quite spoiled before other children came along.

We received Cuddles as a gift from my aunt and uncle who have a dachshund of their own.
Look how tiny Cuddles is!!

Being an only child for a while, she was showered with a lot of attention.

She slept with us,

we wrapped her in our favorite blankets,

she slept on my lap,

and Clay's.

She loves to get presents as much as anyone.

And now that other siblings have come along, she has adjusted well.
She puts up with the silly things we like to do to her.

And at the end of the day, no matter what, she always loves us.
Thank you, Cuddles, for your constant companionship.
We love you!!!

Happy Birthday to My Sweet Savannah!!

2010-08-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

My sweet Savannah is now eight years old!!! Here are a few pictures of her.

The day she was born! I look like that because I am completely drugged.

The cute babe at 3 weeks old

3 months old

Chillin' with her sis uh I mean, dog Cuddles.
What is it with babies and the remote control?

Waiting for daddy to come home.

2 years old,

3 years old,

4, 5 years old,

and before I knew it, she was off to kindergarten!!

Here's a cake I made that actually turned out.

Now she is a great big sister.

What a pretty girl!

We love our Savannah. She is such a joy to have in our family. Love you sweetheart!!

The Winner of the "Worst Mom in the World" Award is....

2010-08-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you. I work hard for such acknowledgment. Here's the story:

The last day of swimming lessons for the session is a fun day for the kids to play and go down the slide. At our pool they have two new slides. The one that Dakotah is tall enough to go down is enclosed so it's pretty dark inside. She really wanted to go down it so up the stairs she went. When she got to the top she got scared and wouldn't go down. The lifeguard tried to get her to go down the slide but she wouldn't. She tried to get her to down back down the stairs but she wouldn't do that either. The lifeguard finally carried her down the stairs. I tried to get her to just play in the pool but she really wanted to go down the slide. So back up the stairs she went.

Again at the top she got scared and wouldn't go down!! She really wanted to do it but wouldn't. So here's where the mean mom comes in. I went up the stairs, and with the help of a lifeguard, grabbed her hands and legs and pushed her down the slide. At the bottom, her hair wasn't even wet. She made it and realized it was okay.

My other daughter, however, thought what I had done was mean. She flipped out at me, asking how could I do that, and hit me a couple times and kept glaring at me. Uh, what? I didn't push her down the slide and she was flipping out where Dakotah didn't say anything about what I had done.

I can't win either way.

Happy Birthday to Me

2010-07-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Today is my birthday, shout hooray! No wait, I am a mother; it is just another day in Motherland.

As I get older, my birthday means less and less. I take a minute to remember it as the day I was born and then continue on with my motherly duties. Even though I am now a ghastly 32 years old, I still harbor a deep, long held secret. My birthday usually comes and goes with the usual birthday greetings (which I enjoy) and if I'm lucky even Clay will remember. But every year, on every birthday, I secretly hope that this is the birthday that someone will make really special. Just once a year, I want to feel special. I love and truly enjoy my role as a mother. But just once, I would love to have one birthday that is really all about me. That sounds really selfish, but as I am always thinking about someone else, is it really that bad for me to want to focus on me for just one day? Just one day out of an entire year?

So today on my birthday, I will take my kids to swimming lessons. Then we will go to the library since Dakotah has finished her summer reading and has earned a free book. Then we will come home and do "Mommy school." I will do dishes, sweep the floor, fold the laundry that has been sitting in the living room all weekend, and do more laundry. I will try to remember to vacuum since I haven't done it for two weeks. I will clean the downstairs bathroom and guest room for guests that are coming tonight. If I'm lucky Colby will keep his poop to a minimum. Hopefully the girls won't fight and Colby will be all better from his minor sickness (he threw up on me at swimming lessons last Friday.)

And maybe, if I'm lucky, I might get a few minutes all to myself. But then, without my kids, what would my life and existence be all about?

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-07-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Here is a special birthday video for you from your granddaughters!

Here is a birthday surprise from Colby!

Love you Dad!

A Couple Other Things

2010-06-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

This is what happens when you drop the salsa bottle:

Colby's new chair

My new foray into the world of couponing (which I said I didn't have time to do and didn't want to do but when you can save big bucks, it's pretty enticing. Yes, I have gone over to the dark side! Somewhat.)

I bought all this for $9.50. Amazing!!

A Couple of My Latest Endeavors

2010-06-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

Endeavor #1:

Dakotah wanted a dress with long sleeves. When I told her that the stores weren't selling dresses with long sleeves right now she responded with, "You can make me one."

So I did. It was an easy pattern and she looks beautiful. She was very patient with me as I made all those layers.

Endeavor #2:

Clay does not buy himself new clothes. His only suit was from his mission, which was 15 years ago. So for Father's Day we bought him a new suit. He wore it and looked so great in it----except for his shoes which were also from his mission. He wouldn't ever buy new ones because "these are so comfortable." That's because he wore them to death. So I bought him new shoes, put them in the closet in place of his old ones and left them for him to find. When he found them he was not happy with me.

"Where are my old shoes?"

"I threw them away."

"Why did you do that? They had plenty of life in them!"

"Well, they're gone. Try one the new ones. You might like them."

He tried them on, didn't like them, but allowed me to take them back and get different ones. He liked the different ones and now his outfit is completely new!! He looks so handsome.

He puts up with a lot living with me.

Two Years

2010-06-10T07:01:00.000-07:00

A Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all-great master said, as He gently caressed the dark hair of the Little Spirit's head. "You need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know, a place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn and grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head, and from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheek it shed. "Don't you fret now, little one. I won't let you stay too long. I'll bring you back to help Me here, you'll hardly know that you've been gone. You're my choicest Little Spirit, You're the apple of my eye." And He wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee, and the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me." And then the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye. "Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know, when your Angel came to get me, I didn't want to go. I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while, but, Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer Earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off His knee. He fimly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with me." The Little Spirit and his Lord walked slowly hand in hand, as the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now Lord, i don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home. But I left in such a hurry; I left everyone hurting and so alone. I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so. They feel they've been cheated, and in a way, so do I. Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share. But you need not worry any more; I'll watch over your loved ones there. I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand. I'll content and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at his Master and said, "Thank you for explaining to me. And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy and that someday they'll be here with me."
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, "I'll tell them all that I can." Then the others came to see the Little Spirit as the Lord let go of his hand. He said, "I'll tell them you're pure, pure as Heaven's Gold; that I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold."
Author unknown

It's interesting that I can go about my days all well and good, but when it gets close to the anniversary of Austin's birth, all the feelings come back.

Today I feel sad and melancholy and wishful. I looked through his box of items and just let myself wish for a minute.

Today Austin would be two years old. What would he look like? Would his hair stay dark like mine or turn blonde like his sisters and brother's did? Would he have blue eyes? What would be his favorite food? Would he chase Cuddles and squeal at her? Would he like to be outside like Colby does? Would he say "Mama"? Would he run to me and hug me tight? Would he be a daddy's boy like Colby is?

I hurt, I ache, I miss my baby so terribly. Especially today, when he was born, when things didn't turn out like I had planned. Never did I think that I would lose a baby. Never did I think that I would go through the experience that I did. The range of emotions is impossible to explain.

But.

Never have I been so blessed as I have been from this experience. I didn't think I could survive the experience, either. Yet here I am, two years later, and I feel that I am a stronger person. I feel that some things about me have changed that may not have any other way. But I think that I have found myself again. It's been two tough years of confusion, emotion, joy, and sorrow. But I feel like myself again. I am able to laugh again, sing again, enjoy again. I am me with a few upgrades. Of course there is still work for me to do and other ways to continue to improve myself and relationships that suffered when I was being selfish. But I feel like I have come back to life. My eyes are not so dark and heavy.

I love you, Austin. I think about you every single day. You are and always will be my beautiful angel baby. Thank you for helping me and our family to be able to live with you and our Father in Heaven. Please don't give up on us. We are doing our best and anxiously wait for the day when we can all be together again. Happy birthday.

Today

2010-06-09T08:55:00.000-07:00

Today is the day two years ago that my life changed forever.

Today is the day that I woke up knowing that something was wrong with my baby but was not willing to accept it until much later.

Today is the day that I pleaded with Heavenly Father to let my baby be all right.

Today is the day I nudged and poked my stomach straining to feel a movement.

Today is the day that there was no heartbeat.

Today is the day that I cried and screamed and cried some more.

Today is the day.

Today is the day that Cindy drove me to the hospital and stayed for a long time.

Today is the day that Clay raced from work to meet us at the hospital.

Today is the day that my mom and dad drove all night to be with us.

Today is the day that Janna took care of my girls so my parents could be with us.

Today is the day two years ago that life became something different for us.

Memorial Day

2010-06-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

Every Memorial Day the cemetery where Austin is buried puts up over 900 flags. Every one has the name of a specific person on it that has served our country. It is an awesome sight. The flags are huge and they line both sides of every road in the place. Here's a few pictures of it.

One of these videos is of the flags. The other one is Colby showing off his latest talent!

Clay is Awesome!!

2010-05-27T10:02:00.001-07:00

Clay sold his four-wheeler to my dad. Why is this exciting, you may ask? Because with some of the money, he bought me.............................................................

(Drumroll please)

THIS!

It's my very own mini notebook!! At this moment I am writing this on the counter in my kitchen. It is the cutest thing ever! I can use it anywhere in the house. But the best part is the color.

That's right!! Clay found me a purple laptop. It's my dream come true!

It's a little smaller than a sheet of paper!

So what Clay bought with his money from the sale of the 4-wheeler is: a laptop for me, a new computer for his mom, and an Ipad for him. So now in this house we have 3 desk computers, 2 laptops and 1 Ipad.

Clay is a computer nerd (and I mean that nicely!) and he's pulling me in with him!

Colby is One!!!

2010-05-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

My little boy is a year old!! The last year has gone fast and he is such a joy to have in our family. Here are a lot of pictures of the silly boy.

He likes to take all his clothes out of the drawers.

Look at those blue eyes!

He found this little hiding spot between the wall and fridge.

He likes to lay on pillows! Sometimes he'll lay down on Cuddles bed.

He likes to play the piano. Especially while I'm teaching piano lessons.

I made cupcakes for his birthday. He loved them!

We had a party on Saturday when my parents were here.

I didn't make this cake. The one I made didn't make the cut. Savannah described it best: "Mom, that cake you made is melting."

"Gimme cake, gimme cake!"

Colby loved his cake and ice cream. He ate all of it. Unfortunately, it didn't like him. He threw it up during the night.

Presents!!
Too bad this one scares him.

We finally have some boy toys in the house.

Colby and my mom. (Thanks for all the help Mom and Dad!!)

Colby had fun at his first party. We look forward to many more. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Crazy!

2010-04-29T10:30:00.000-07:00

My sweet Savannah is now walking home from school every day. All year I have gone to school to get her. It was just part of our routine. Then her friend starting walking home and Savannah wanted to, too, of course.

I thought about it for several days. I have a hard time with my baby out there in the world on her own where I can't see her. But, eventually, I decided, I have to let go. This was a good time to release my hold a little. We talked about the rules of walking home, that it is a privilege, she has to walk home with her friend, look out for cars, obey the crossing guards and no talking to strangers.

Monday was the first day and it was weird to stay at home and not go get her. I watched the clock just a little bit. Of course she made it home safely and was so pleased with herself.

Now I'm not so anxious when the time for her to walk home comes around. Now I realize how pleasant it is to not have to stop what I am doing, not have to get Dakotah moving, not have to rush home to teach piano lessons, and not have to wake Colby from his nap.

So in only three days I have gone from "Augghh!! My baby is walking home from school!!" to "Yes! Savannah is walking home from school!"

Crazy!

My Dakotah

2010-04-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

Sunday when we went to the cemetery it was nice weather so we sat on the grass by Austin's grave and relaxed for a while. Dakotah flitted around looking for pretty leaves to give to Austin. After a few minutes I looked up to see what she was doing. Austin is buried in a section that is just for babies. Most of the graves have all different kinds of paraphernalia on them. The last couple of days had been very windy and most of the items had blown over. Dakotah was moving among the graves, righting things that had blown over. I watched her carefully pick up stuffed animals and sit them upright. She picked up pots of plants and fixed flowers. She looked over her work to make sure she had fixed everything.

I was impressed with her little five year old compassion. She knows that babies are buried there and they are special like our Austin. As I watched her lovingly care for their gifts I thought about what my girls have learned in the last two years. They know that we go to the cemetery every Sunday. They know the "rules" of the cemetery. They know that special babies are buried there and we don't touch their gifts. They know that when someone else is there they need to be quiet so as not to disturb them.

They know more about the plan of Salvation than I did at their age. They know that Austin is in Heaven with Heavenly Father and that he will be with us after the Resurrection.

Sad little side story:
The cemetery has a pond with two swans in it. The day of Austin's funeral it was a good distraction for the girls. They named the swans Andrea and Austin. We often drive by and say hello to them. Well, a couple weeks ago there was only one swan. We figured something had happened to the other one and the girls said that Austin had died. It was really sad, their brother Austin died and now the swan Austin died. We found out later that a raccoon had got it and they will be replacing it. Maybe they'll name that swan Colby?

Colby is eleven months

2010-04-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

This little guy of ours is something else. We love him, love him, love him!! And while I wish that he would stop growing up so fast, it is so fun to watch him learn to do new things.

He can stand up against things, which means that nothing on the tables are safe anymore.

His main goal every day is to get in the dog dish. He has succeeded a few times!

He loves to eat!! But not just anything. Baby food isn't good enough anymore. He wants the real stuff. Yesterday he ate an entire piece of pizza. Sometimes he eats more than his sisters.

He will be shortly weaned from nursing because he knows how to use his four teeth. Good thing he likes food so much.

He is a fast crawler. One day I couldn't find him. I found him in my closet on the other side of the house.

He loves playing with his sisters and friends. At the end of this video he does a face plant but don't worry! He wasn't hurt!

He loves balls!! He loves to play catch with his daddy. The other day as Clay threw him the ball I realized that he was actually catching it. Watch!

We Are Boring

2010-04-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

I'm sure nobody has noticed that my posts have become few and far between. That's because there is nothing going on that I deem to be blog worthy. The Hayes family is just going along with the flow and we haven't had any sensational stories or even half boring stories to share. So, I am still here, I will post when I feel like it, and in the meantime I will get other stuff done. So check back sometimes; for us, boring is good.

In a small attempt to liven up this post, here are some pics of my kids this morning.

Colby keeping watch for the girls' ride.

Cuddles keeping watch for the girls' ride.

Dakotah trying to finishing practicing before her ride comes.

Savannah looking out for their ride. (Amazingly they were ready on time this morning!)

Yesterday Colby found a new hiding spot behind the couch.

Back To It

2010-04-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

Spring break last week was wonderful. The kids played nice (most of the time), we were able to just relax at home and not be rushing here and there. Dakotah had two weeks off from school with parent/teacher conferences one week and spring break the next. I got so used to having her with me and Colby that when I took the girls to school this morning I had a hard time letting her go. We had so much fun playing games and being together.

Now the house is quiet.

Too quiet.

The Week From.... (You Know Where)

2010-03-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

I wrote about Colby being sick. Now I get to write about the rest of the family being sick. Every single one of us. Luckily we got through it in a mere four days. Except there was a lot of puking and other unpleasantries in those four days. When I got sick on Friday I begged Clay to stay home to help with the two kids that were sick, which was lucky on my part when that evening Dakotah threw up all over her bed and Clay had to clean it up. The end result was that on Saturday Clay got sick too (we didn't want him to be left out) but he was worse than any of us had been.

I'm happy to report that now all of us are better, the house has been aired out, Lysol has been sprayed on every surface, and all bedding has been washed.

I am ready for spring!!

Yesterday

2010-03-11T08:19:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we went to Idaho because my brother blessed his baby. It was a nice, relaxing weekend; we visited with all our family, I didn't have to cook and my mom took care of a lot of things. We came home on Monday but I sort of wish we were still there.

Especially after yesterday when Colby threw up (I mean threw up, not spit up) four times. He has an unusual talent of being able to throw up out his mouth and nose at the same time. So I spent yesterday cleaning him, me, the couch, the floor, and anything else that got in the way. I was handling it all right until last night when I put in to bed and thought he was going to be asleep for awhile. He woke up only a couple minutes after I laid him down and, you guessed it, threw up all over him, the bed, the floor. I walked in and saw the mess and thought, Okay I need help. But who to ask for help? Clay has been having major problems at work so we haven't seen him since we've been home. This was a time when I needed my mom. If she lived nearby I would have called her and she would have come over to help me. But that isn't the case. I just wanted someone to help me with the mess or hold Colby for me because he was pretty unhappy about puking again. I thought about who I could call to help me. Several friends ran through my mind but I realized it was 7:00pm and everyone was with their own families, getting ready for bed. I realized how dumb it would be to call and ask for help with such a dumb thing so I talked myself out of it. In the end, I changed Colby's sheets while I held him.

Some days I just need my mom.

A story about Clay (because he doesn't read my blog so I can say whatever I want about him)

2010-02-17T10:48:00.001-08:00

Clay and I have been married for 10 1/2 years. It has been interesting, entertaining, and frustrating.

When we were engaged and first married, we agreed that we would have children at some future time. A year after we were married, I was ready to have a baby, but he wasn't. In fact, he told me that he didn't ever want to have kids because they were whiny and bratty and you couldn't just go do anything that you wanted to. (Having a calling in nursery played a part in putting him in this mindset.) It got to be a real sore spot in our marriage. Every time I brought up the subject he would get angry and we would argue. So I decide not to ever mention it again.

A year went by. Then one Sunday out of the blue Clay asked me if I wanted to have a baby! I asked him what changed his mind. He said, "I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting looking up at the dad on the stand whose son was leaving on a mission and I decided that I didn't want to be that old sending my kid on a mission so I decided we better get cracking."

I made sure he was serious, told him, "Okay, I'm going off birth control and you can't change your mind!"

Ten months later our sweet Savannah was born. Clay decided that we were only having one kid.

When Savannah was 14 months old, I started feeling like it was time to have another baby. I worried about how to discuss this with Clay as our talks about having babies didn't go so well in the past. I tried to push off the feeling, but it persisted. Finally I told Clay that I felt strongly that it was time for another baby and I started to cry. I don't normally cry over little things so I think that helped my case. Clay replied with, "Well, if you feel that strongly about it, then maybe it is time." Whew! That was easy!

Ten months later our beautiful Dakotah was born. Clay decided that we were only having two kids.

(A note here on how quickly I get pregnant: I think it's so Clay won't have a chance to change his mind!)

Having two kids only two years apart was very overwhelming for me. I had all I could handle at this time and having another baby any time soon was not an option for me. So Clay got a reprieve from any baby talk. But when Dakotah was 3 years old I felt that the time had come once more for another baby. Having two children really softened Clay up. All I said was, "How about another baby?" and he said, "Yeah, okay." We decided to hold off for a few months 1) so we would have a van to be able to transport all children and 2) so the baby would be born when my mom didn't work during the summer.

All went according to plan until my 38th week, and as you know, our precious Austin was stillborn. This really hit Clay hard. Losing his son really affected him. He had to take sleeping pills to sleep and he stayed home from work for two weeks. The day we came home from the hospital Clay and I were sitting on the couch together and he said, "I want another baby. When your ready I want to starting trying for another baby." This was a total turnaround from how he was at the beginning of our marriage. Now it was him making the suggestion!

Eleven months later our sweet Colby was born. I decided that we were only having four kids.

I have seen Clay cry 6 times in our 10 1/2 years of marriage and 4 of them were when our children were born. Each time he would get emotional. He is grateful for and loves each of our children. He is the best dad to them and they love him in return.

Clay doesn't like to talk about Austin much in mixed company. I wrote Austin's story and Clay couldn't read past the first page. He said it was just too hard for him. So I was surprised last week when he told me he had to speak in church on Sunday and his talk included Austin. I was more surprised when I read his talk and, not only was most of it about Austin, but Clay had gotten every detail right! I know he was there through it all, but that he remembered it all really impressed me. When he gave his talk he got emotional when speaking about Austin, which he hates to do, but it really impressed upon me how much he loves and misses his son and how much his death has affected him.

So for someone who didn't want kids, he sure is happy to come home every day to cries of "Daddy's home!" and smiles from Colby. How boring life would be without our kiddos.

Last week Clay and I had an interesting conversation.

Him: I think there's another baby for us.

Me: Uh, what? I'm done having kids!

And more videos

2010-02-11T10:00:00.000-08:00

Videos, videos

2010-02-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

How can you resist this adorable guy with drool dripping off his chin?

I'm on my knees; now what?

Do you know?

2010-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

I asked Dakotah today who she wanted to help with her homework, me or Daddy.

She replied, "You, because Daddy doesn't know things yet."

Too bad, Clay! Kindergarten homework is just too hard for ya!

(PS I have no idea why blogger won't let my videos work! If you want to see Colby scoot, I guess you'll have to visit!)

Colby can do the worm crawl

2010-01-27T08:24:00.000-08:00

Blogger has finally consented to display my videos. Here they are!

The Worst Dinner Ever

2010-01-26T08:19:00.000-08:00

On Mondays I teach piano lessons until 5:30pm so dinners aren't usually stellar on these nights. (Except for Tuesdays when I teach until 6:00pm and dinners are usually frozen french fries.)

But not last night! I decided that we would have spaghetti, which is simple but tasty. So I started boiling my water and then got to work making chocolate parfaits for FHE dessert.

The water boiled, I threw in the noodles, finished making the parfaits and then opened the fridge to get the spaghetti sauce that was left over in there. But I couldn't find it. I looked on every shelf, sure it was hiding somewhere because I knew there was sauce in there somewhere!

There wasn't.

So I ran down to the storage room. No spaghetti sauce. We didn't even have tomato sauce to put on the noodles.

So what did I do? The girls and I sat at the kitchen table and ate plain spaghetti noodles with our fingers.

When Clay came home I told him of our "stellar" dinner. He didn't say anything, just dumped the rest of the noodles down the drain.

The parfaits were good, though.

It's finally finished!

2010-01-20T12:28:00.001-08:00

I bought the material to make this suit more than two years ago. After a lot of frustration and a little screaming, it is finally finished and it turned out very well! Can't tell in the pictures but it's black with pink pinstripes. Note to self: never make anything with lapels again!!!

(Photos courtesy of Dakotah.)

Visiting Austin

2010-01-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Sunday we go to the cemetery like we do every Sunday. As we drive down the lane I look for the place where my baby lies. I see his stuffed animals there as we left them. We stop on the side of the road. I get out and start walking toward my baby's grave. As I walk I glance around at the other baby graves. I'm almost to Austin's grave when I see a new marker. I walk over and look down at the little marker. I read the name and see that this baby lived a little while before he died.

My heart immediately goes out to the mother who only last week lost her son. I know how she feels, I know all the pain and sorrow and disbelief that she is feeling. I am full of sadness that someone else has to endure this suffering. I wonder about her. I wonder how she is doing at this moment.

I walk over to my baby's grave. I clean it off and shake the dirt from his animals. And I think. I think about the day I lost my baby. I think about how I felt to hold him in my arms and then to have him taken. I stare at his picture on his headstone and remember looking at him in my arms. I look from Austin's picture to Colby and search for some resemblance between them.

It's time to go. It's too cold to be out any longer. I look back at the new marker and I think that Austin has a new friend by him. We say goodbye to Austin and tell him we'll be back next week. I start to walk away but I pause and look back. I whisper, "I love you" one more time. I start to walk again, but again I pause and look over my shoulder at the place where I have laid my son. Finally, I get in the car. I watch Austin's grave as we drive away until I can't see it anymore. Until next week..........I love you.

Colby and Brenna...

2010-01-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

...sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S........ oh wait, they are too young for that stuff. For now, Brenna will settle for taking toys away from Colby. Colby, try as he might, just can't get it back!

Our Picture Perfect Christmas

2009-12-28T14:22:00.000-08:00

My Texas Trip Part Three: Off Base Sightseeing

2009-12-28T12:45:00.000-08:00

Remember the Alamo!!
It's always exciting to be in the middle of history and imagine what happened
in the exact place I'm standing.

We went to the wax museum. (My dad trying to be tough.)

So can I say I've met Oprah?

Then we went to the Ripley's Believe it or Not museum. Talk about some crazy stuff!!

Can you tell what this picture is made of? Look really close.

It's made from toast.

How about Elvis? What is he made from?

Take a closer look.

Yeah, he's made entirely of real butterflies.

Do you think this real chicken head clock would look good in my living room?

This is made from sculpted sea shells.

Three eyed turtle....Believe it? Or Not?

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T09:39:00.000-08:00

My TexasTrip Part Two: Life On An Air Force Base

2009-12-19T11:10:00.000-08:00

Remember that I was so excited to go to Texas where it was warmer? Forget it!! A cold spell moved over them just in time for our trip. It was freezing outside and my brother's graduation was outside. We bundled up as best as we could but, yeah, we froze. After more than two hours outside my fingers no longer worked and I couldn't stop shivering. Colby was bundled up warmly in a couple blankets but he kept poking one hand out. He was warmer than anyone.

The graduation was an amazing sight, though. It was amazing to see hundreds of people moving in perfect formation. It was pretty impressive.

The first video is of my brother's flight passing for inspection. The second is of the entire mass moving forward together.

My brother's flight is in the middle.

My brother's flight earned recognition as the Warrior Flight. They earned the most points of all the flights during BEAST week. (Which I guess lives up to its name.)
Blake is standing with the glasses on.

On the bus ride back from the parade grounds. The heater worked on the bus!

We got to have a little tour of Blake's dorm. I was fascinated by how precise everything (and I mean everything) has to be. You hear about it, but it was interesting to see it.

This is the inside of Blake's locker. Notice how the hangers are evenly spaced.

This is Blake's underwear rolled into neat, tight rolls with no wrinkles.

Blake's flashlight has to be center and flush with the edge.
Hat has to be on the left flush with the edge, too.

This drawer amused me. Blake had everything so precise and I teased him about how he had the items laid out. He said they had to be that way and showed me in his booklet a picture showing EXACTLY how to lay out the toiletries. Who decides this stuff? He said that they will check the inside of the toothpaste and his razor and if they are dirty he gets demerits.

Blake's bed with his shoes neatly lined up.

Blake was made the Latrine Queen and was in charge of other trainees who had toilet detail. If the bathroom wasn't immaculate, Blake got in trouble for it. This is a big bathroom to have spotless every single day.

Airman Johnson

Around the parade grounds they had airplanes. (What else??) They had been retired from active duty.

Colby posing in front of an airplane. It was warm this day finally!

My niece Grace loved to push Colby around.

This huge airplane kept taking off and landing around us. They are very loud and very big.

Colby's exhausted after all that walking!

On Sunday we went to church with Blake at 7:00 am (that's Central time, folks! 5:00am where I live.) Very interesting! All the trainees were in their uniforms and didn't do much talking. I wouldn't either if I was getting yelled at all the time; I'd keep quiet, too. After the service, quite a few trainees came up to see Colby. You don't get a lot of babies on base. One trainee in particular zoomed right onto Colby and asked how old he was. I said he was seven months and the trainee started to cry. He said he had a five month old at home. We let him hold Colby to get a baby fix. Another trainee said he had a three WEEK old at home. He was just starting basic training.

It's hard for me to understand why people with families would want to join the military. I have seen how hard it is for my niece Gracie. I just don't understand. But being with my brother and being on the base has increased my sense of patriotism. I am proud of my brother and all other airmen that are sacrificing their lives for me, for my freedoms and beliefs. I may not get why they would want to do this (especially the women) but I am grateful that they are willing to do this. It was such an amazing experience and I'm so glad that I was able to go. I am glad to say that I am proud to be an American.

I love you, Blakie.

Coming soon: Part Three: Off-Base Sightseeing

My Texas Trip Part One: Traveling

2009-12-18T12:43:00.000-08:00

Colby is hands down the best baby in the world. He was such a good traveler. I was worried about how he would do on the airplanes. I wondered if he would cry the whole time like you always see babies do in the movies. When he got tired he would fight it a little, he did do some yelling, but then he would settle down and sleep for the rest of the flight. On two airplane rides he just fell asleep. I looked down at him and he was asleep. I wondered what the people we ended up sitting next to thought when they realized that the baby was going to be sitting next to them but he proved to them what a good baby he is. He liked looking out the window. And of course he made friends wherever he went. Everybody stops to talk to babies. It is so funny.

People are more helpful when you travel with a baby, too. At the end of every flight I would have to wait for the stroller and every time someone would unfold it for me. On the plane people would let me go ahead of them and help me get my bags over my shoulder. They even offered to help me buckle my seatbelt. Colby would smile at everyone around us and one time I looked behind me to find this old man playing peek a boo with Colby. Babies bring out the best in people.

Colby spent most of his time in the car seat or the stroller. As long as he could see he was happy. I don't know how many times me and my mom said, "He's such a good baby!"

My last flight was delayed for a while and at that point I just wanted to get home so it was a little frustrating to have to wait. But we hadn't waited long when I realized that Colby was poopy so I hurried to change him. In the bathroom I realized that he had pooped up his back all the way to his armpits. So if our plane had been on time I would have been flying high with a poopy mess in the sky. It was a blessing in disguise that it was late so I could have a big bathroom to take care of the mess.

A couple things I learned:

It's "stinky" to forget my deodorant.

It's "dizzying" to forget my medicine.

And nursing Colby on an airplane completely surrounded by men is really uncomfortable.

Stayed tuned for Part Two: Life On An Air Force Base!

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

2009-12-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Colby and I are going on a trip for 6 whole days!!!!! My brother joined the Air Force and I am going to his Basic Training graduation in Texas. This trip is great for several reasons:

1. I was unable to go to Blakie's farewell party and was the only sibling that missed it. Now I'm the only sibling able to go to his graduation. I'm excited to see him because I don't know when I'll see him again. He could be stationed in Malaysia for the next 6 years.

2. I have always wanted to go to Texas. Not for any special reason, I just wanted to go there.

3. I've been in a motherhood rut lately and need to do something different!! I'll be able to chill for a few days and get out of my usual schedule.

4. It's good to have the dad be charge of EVERYTHING for a while. Clay will have to get the girls ready for school and take them to school, do their hair, check for homework, make dinner, etc. I'm sure when I come home I'll be a little more appreciated. (Not that he doesn't appreciate me now, but he'll realize just how much I do.)

5. It's 68 degrees in Texas!!!! Where I live, we're at a cool 22 degrees at this moment. It was around 6 degrees when I woke up this morning. Hooray for 68 degrees!!!!

This is the longest I've been away from my girls. They will be taken care by some fabulous friends and of course their dad, but when I'm with them in and out every day it makes me sad to leave them for so long. (I also worry about what they'll look like when they go out in public. Let everyone know that the dad is doing the hair!) Well, I couldn't be leaving them in better hands.

See you next week!

One project done

2009-11-20T09:41:00.000-08:00

Do you have three cookbooks and recipes written on various papers that are plopped in a pile that you have to search through to find the recipe you want? Or forget which cinnamon roll recipe you made last time that turned out really well? Well, I took care of this problem for myself. I'm not the first to do this, but I took all the recipes that I do use and typed them up nicely and put them in one cookbook. Now it's all in one place! How convenient. It's aptly called

A Good Mom Moment

2009-11-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

This morning I went to the cupboard to take my, ah, we'll call them my happy pills. I realized that I didn't have any more and said, "Oh, my pills are gone." Dakotah asked, "What are your pills for?" I told her that they helped me to be a good mom. She replied, "But you're already a good mom." Thank you Dakotah. It's nice to hear that sometimes.

In other news:

Colby had a couple of friends over to play, Brenna Brown and Bernice Hansen.
We had fun with them!
(At the very beginning of the video watch Brenna, the girl in the middle, do her old man look!)
All these kiddos are about a month apart.

Colby loves his dad!

Here's a close shot of Colby taking a bite out of Clay's nose.

Elder Holland

2009-11-16T11:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had a special stake conference with Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. I absolutely loved it!! His talk was so wonderful and encompassed all individuals. My favorite part was when he blessed the entire congregation. I was blessed by an apostle of the Lord. It was so amazing being in an intimate setting with him. These last couple of weeks have been so difficult for me. Being there and listening to Elder Holland speak just took all that away. I feel able to continue on. It was a wonderful experience.

I've Said It Before, But I'll Say It Again....

2009-11-12T11:00:00.001-08:00

Why does time have to go so fast!!??!!

My little baby is now 6 months old. I'm really having a hard time believing it.

Colby-one day old

6 weeks old

5 months old

A few of Colby's favorite things besides his Mommy is--his Bumbo and his fingers

Oatmeal cereal

His sisters

We love you, Colby!!! Thank you for being in our family. We love your wonderful spirit and you have truly comforted our aching hearts.

Better Late Than Never

2009-11-09T09:44:00.000-08:00

Halloween pictures in November? Sure!

We were in Idaho two weeks ago and the girls were able to spend time with their cousin, Grace. Here are the kiddos posing for a halloween pic while I take the picture with my flash off. Nice.

My cousin had identical twin boys just a week before we went. The girls didn't have to wait for a turn to hold a baby; there was one for each of them! I had to wait for my turn, though.

Whoa!! Who's that huge baby in the center? Having Colby next to brand new newborns is a harsh reminder that he is getting bigger!

Colby and Clay match. Didn't do it on purpose, but thought it was cute.

Both of my sister-in-laws on my side of the family are expecting boys!!! I'm so excited that Colby will have some boy cousins to play with that will be close to his age. Fun times for the future!

Fantastic Photos of My Family

2009-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Our fantastic friend Janna took some great photos of our family. Enjoy!

All that's missing is Austin.

The Daschund Derby

2009-10-10T17:33:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right! We registered Cuddles for a Daschund Derby. It was pretty entertaining. Over 60 dogs were signed up to race! It was quite a sight.

Waiting for the race to start.

Cuddles has no idea what is going on.

The racing lane!

There's the finish line!

And now, for the exciting footage of Cuddles' race!

Okay, so she didn't want to race and tried to escape, and I forgot that I was filming.

It's okay, Cuddles, you'll always be #1 with us!

At least you look stylish in your new sweatshirt we bought you because it was so cold outside!

Maybe next year???

My Own Bag!!

2009-10-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

I finished my own bag that a lot of other people have. Yay me!

Amazing

2009-10-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, you are all smarter than I give you credit for. It is Dakotah. But when I first saw it, I thought it was Savannah!

Another pic of my pretty princesses:

Guess who?

2009-10-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

I know you all are gasping at the sight of what my hair looks like but that's not what I want you to focus on. Who is the little girl? Is it Savannah or Dakotah? Even I had to think for a minute to figure it out. Tell me who you think it is and I'll tell you if you are right or not.

P.S. The handsome guy is my brother.

My Precious Sons

2009-09-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

I have been greatly blessed to have two beautiful sons. I have an angel in heaven and an angel on earth. It has taken a long time since we lost Austin to feel myself again. To lose a child, especially so close to his due date, has been so difficult. I have had many questions, and have behaved rather odd about some things. I have felt sad for a very long time.

When we were expecting Colby, barely three months after losing Austin, there was worry and fear up to the day I delivered. I know that you cannot have faith when fear is present, but some days I really wondered if I would lose this child too and if I could stand to deal with that again. When Colby was placed in my arms....I can't think of a word that describes how I felt. I felt like it was okay to be happy again. Colby truly has been a balm for my soul; he soothes the hurt that I feel for Austin. I am not able to hold Austin in my arms; therefore I hold all the more tightly to Colby. I am trying to be a good mother to Colby, for him and for Austin. I feel like when I am taking care of Colby I am taking care of Austin.

Sometimes when I hold Colby, I think that I could be holding Austin. It sounds a little crazy, but I can sometimes imagine that maybe it is Austin in my arms. As Colby gets older, I wonder how Austin would have looked. I always wonder. I'm a little more protective of Colby. I need him to be safe.

Austin is always at the foremost of my mind. I think and wonder about him every day. I know that I was given Colby to help me get through the sadness. I think I am happy again. I'm not hiding anymore. I think I have gotten myself put back together. Except for one piece that will always be missing.

I am so blessed to have my beautiful boys. I am blessed to have a child in heaven, waiting for me there. I am blessed to have three children on earth, to hold and love every day.

Time?

2009-09-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

Who has time to blog when me and my baby are sick? Too much going on, no time to write about it.

Firsts

2009-08-31T13:39:00.000-07:00

A lot of firsts have happened at our home. Colby is growing like crazy in my eyes. He now sleeps in his crib in his own room. The first couple of nights were hard for me but I'm sure he likes having more room. He's been waking up every three hours to eat so I think he's having a growth spurt. He also has rolled over from his tummy to his back and from his back to his tummy. He has survived being dropped by both his sisters. (They are strictly limited on how they hold him now.)

Today is Savannah's first day of 2nd grade and Dakotah's first day of kindergarten. They were very happy. Dakotah kept saying,"I just can't stop being happy about kindergarten!" Savannah was a little nervous but then she saw some friends and seemed to be fine.

Dakotah is barely five and already had a loose tooth! I say "had" because she insisted that I pull it out today after kindergarten. She's too little to have a hole in her mouth!

This is Dakotah's cake from her birthday a couple weeks ago. Heather made it beautifully! I had a hard time having to cut into it.

This picture is too cute. Savannah is reading a book to Colby and he looked at the pictures with her. They sure love their brother!

Did I read that right??

2009-08-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

I received in the mail yesterday a questionnaire so I opened it to look at it. This is what it says word for word (I promise it says this!):

"Today I have some questions about the usage of paper towels in your household. We realize that this is a lengthy questionnaire, but your answers are extremely important to us. (Quick glance through; it is a 22 page questionnare on paper towels!) If you feel like you are getting tired or need a break it is probably a good idea to stop for a while, take a break, and come back to the questionnaire when you've had a chance to rest."

Really? That's good advice whenever filling out a questionnaire. They must be serious about their paper towels! I read it to Clay and started laughing so hard I could barely read it. I haven't laughed that hard for a loooooonnngg time. It felt good.

I better get started filling this thing out! I don't know how many breaks I'll need!

Whew!

2009-08-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Last week I received a summons in the mail for jury duty. Although I think it would be an interesting experience, it's just not the right time for me to serve in this capacity. So I asked for an exemption due to the fact that I'm a nursing mother of a three month old. So since then I have been worrying about it, if they would think I have a good excuse, would they realize that my baby needs me, would they care about my situation or make me serve anyway?

Today I received a letter saying that my request has been granted. Whew! Huge sigh of relief.

Here's some more pictures of our trip.

Dakotah and my sister Natalie. Dakotah wanted to be in all the pictures.

Savannah started crying after the wedding because she thought that now that my sister was married she wouldn't see her anymore. It took a lot of talking to convince her otherwise.

Me and my sis

Dakotah kept batting her eyes at her cousin; he finally asked her to dance.

And for those of you with a sense of humor;

Here's my brother, Blake.

Our Vacation--fun, fun!!

2009-08-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Here is all you ever wanted to know about our vacation. We went to California for a family reunion and had a great time. We stayed at Ventura for a week in a hotel. I think the best thing for me was having someone else clean my room every day.

What's more fun than playing in the sand?

And in the freezing cold water?

Clay tried to boogie board and after many attempts he finally succeeded. Unfortunately I didn't get any of his better successes on camera.

One night we went to a Dodgers baseball game. It's much more fun being there in person. We had a lot of fun. By the ninth inning, though, we were getting tired. The score was tied 3-3 and I was just hoping someone would score a run so the game wouldn't go into extra innings. Bottom of the ninth, two outs, two strikes, the hitter hit the ball into the outfield and it flew between two outfielders. YAY!! The Dodgers scored and won the game!! (I learned a lot by sitting next to my brother who is a serious Dodgers fan. It was also fun to tease him about his favorite player that struck out all night.)

Savannah and Clay

Colby with my Uncle Jim

Dakotah had the most fun. She loved the crazy music they would play. Watch her rock out!

The view from our seats.

DISNEYLAND!!!! Was so much fun!! The kids had the best time ever. We let them decide what rides they wanted to do. Dakotah could go on all but one ride so we rode on a lot of rides. Dakotah loved Space Mountain; Savannah, not so much. My mom gets motion sickness really easily so she took care of Colby while I enjoyed the rides, too. We are already planning our next trip back.

What Colby did for most of Disneyland.

Colby got to go on two rides!! He rode Pirates of the Caribbean and It's a Small World (which by the end of that ride you feel ready to scream with craziness from hearing that song played over and over).

Dakotah was fasinated by this water ball.

It's Wendy from Peter Pan! The girls thought it was so funny when she called them Pixies.

We went to the beach again.

During this beach trip I was so tired from all the late nights and early mornings. Colby fell asleep when we got there so I stayed in the car with him and we napped for two and a half hours.

After California we drove up to Idaho where we're from and Colby was blessed there.

The kids and I stayed in Idaho while Clay drove my mom's car home to go back to work. When he got home he discovered that our air conditioner had broken while we were gone and it was 92 degrees in the house. (He got it fixed before we came home.)

My mom drove my van to her work one day and had an altercation with a light pole. Now the bumper of my van looks like this:

The Grossnickles came for Colby's blessing and stayed the week with us. We went to the Idaho Falls zoo.

My favorite thing at the zoo were the little ducklings!

Dakotah bravely sat on my uncle's horse.

Savannah getting to know my sister's soon to be husband.

All the kids love my brother Josh (and his phone).

My sister Natalie got married. Isn't she so beautiful?

Dakotah took a liking to the groom.

The day we drove home was Savannah's birthday.

The day after we got home we had a party for Savannah's birthday. It was a slightly chaotic day, but I think I pulled it off well.

My baby is now three months old. WHAT?? you say? I know, I can't believe it myself.

We had so much fun and did so many things and had a great time with family, but the last thing I have to say is, "There's no place like home!"

Odd and ends

2009-07-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

I am feeling better. Feeling about medium.
Yesterday was Clay and my 10 year anniversary. He's a good guy to put up with me that long! He did say that it didn't feel like it's been that long.
I bought new capris a few weeks ago. Tried them on, they fit fine. About a week later they were saggy on me so I sewed another button on so I could cinch them tighter. When I wore them a couple days ago, they were saggy again! It's great that I'm slimming down, not great that my new capris don't fit.
The cat has been back.
We're leaving for California tomorrow!! We're staying at Ventura, going to the beach, Disneyland, a Dodgers game. Then we're driving to Idaho, we're blessing Colby there, then we'll stay until my sister's wedding on August 8th. We'll drive home August 9th. I am so excited to go. I'm excited to see my family and show off Colby. Wish us luck on the drive. Be back in three weeks.............................

A roller coaster

2009-07-20T09:26:00.000-07:00

I have been having a rough week. I don't know why, I just am. I am on a roller coaster, my mood is constantly up and down, up and down. I don't get why I get to these points of near self-destruction!!

A shining point in the week.........

Remember the frog story? Yesterday when we went to the cemetary there was another frog (maybe the same one?) by Austin's headstone. Instead of pennies from heaven, I get frogs from heaven. I really think Austin is telling me that he is okay and doing well.

Maybe tomorrow I will be okay and doing well.

It is finished!

2009-07-10T08:03:00.000-07:00

My bridesmaid dress is finished!! It wasn't as hard to find time to sew it as I thought it would. Colby took a couple great naps and, even though I would rather have been sleeping too, I sewed and sewed and it is finished! Now I can relax and be lazy!

So do you think I'll pass for a bridesmaid?

(Photo courtesy of Savannah)

Sleep.........

2009-07-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

keeps escaping me. Sleep, baby, sleep!

Can I do it? Yes I can!

2009-07-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

My only sister is getting married in August (I'll have to post about it; it's an interesting story) and she asked me to be a bridesmaid, which surprised me because she always told me I'd probably be pregnant when she got married and she didn't want pregnant bridemaids. So since I'm barely not pregnant anymore, I get the honor. A couple days later when talking to my mom she said:

"When I come visit I'm bringing the material for your dress."

Me: "Cool."..........pause.............."Am I making my own dress?"

Mom: "Yes. Since you can sew now you get to make your own dress. And I always make dresses for your girls when one of your siblings gets married so you can make their dresses this time, too."

Me: "So you want me to make three dresses before August with a newborn?"

Mom: "Yup. Do you want to make Gracie's dress, too?" (That's my niece.)

Me: "No. I think three will be plenty."

Slightly overwhelming prospect, but when my mom came to visit she sewed most of the girls dresses while she was here. All I had to do was hem them, do the sleeves and the zippers. That doesn't seem like much, but with a newborn I am not able to just sit and sew all day long. So the dresses came together bits at a time. A sleeve one day, a zipper the next. I'm happy to say that the girls dresses are done! Here is the finished product:

Two down; one to go. I have until July 22nd to make my dress. Wish me luck!

Adjusting

2009-06-26T08:39:00.000-07:00

Having three kids is turning out to be quite an adjustment for me. I think it's because it's been so long since I've had a newborn, and my girls are pretty self sufficient, I'm used to making plans for my day and having it go how I want. I forgot how much time and energy babies take. Colby doesn't exactly do things according to my plan. So now I have less I try to do every day. Because when Colby needs me, he gets me. My house is a mess, we eat terribly, but I love snuggling with my baby!

Colby has pink eye right now. He's only six weeks old! Savannah had a fever earlier this week and Dakotah has been unusually naughty. Oh yeah, and Clay doesn't get home until 7 or 8 every night.

Okay, enough complaining.

When Colby is asleep I rush around trying to get as many things done as possible. But sometimes when he's asleep I wish he would wake up so I can hold him again. I love to hold him and feel him breathing next to me. Savannah is a wonderful helper. She loves to hold him (when she doesn't have a fever!) so I can do some things while she "babysits" him.

I remind myself to slow down and enjoy it because my kids will grow up all too soon. Some days are hectic but isn't that what a mom's job is all about?

Colby--almost six weeks!

2009-06-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Look at this too-cute baby! He is so adorable. Janna took these pictures of him.

I posted them all because he's just so cute!

Austin's Birthday Celebration

2009-06-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

Last week for Austin's birthday we had a small celebration at the cemetary.

We invited close friends to share the time with us.

I gathered roses from different places to cover Austin's grave with them.

This is my favorite picture.

Our family had written notes to tie to balloons to send to Austin.

Letting the balloons go!

Everything went exactly how I planned.

Clay liked letting the balloons go so much he wants to do it

every year for Austin's birthday!

One Year

2009-06-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

From Austin's story:

I pushed for about ten minutes when Austin’s head started to appear. I looked down and saw his head come out. I watched the doctor pull his body out. There was my baby, finally in the world and yet not with our world. He was so quiet, not crying like I had heard with my girls. No breathing, no moving. He was blue and pasty looking. His eyes were closed. His mouth was open because his jaw was relaxed. He was perfectly formed. He was beautiful and I loved him so much. My heart ached to have him move, make a sound, baby! Don’t you want to be here with me? Don’t you know how much I want you, how long I have been expecting you? We want you, please breathe!!

Dr. Mulholland wrapped Austin in a cloth and held him up for me to see him. Then a nurse took him to clean him up. I put my hands over my face and cried. Now shouldn’t the world end? This horrible thing happened, certainly life must be over. I lay there listening to Clay, my mom and Cindy cry. How much sorrow was in the room. I hurt so much to not be able to have my son while all around me others would have theirs. I ached for what would not be. I want him, I prayed for him; give him to me!! And yet, I felt loving arms around me, comforting me, giving me strength to endure. I felt my Heavenly Father with me. He was sad that I had to endure this, but he would do all in his power to help me endure. I felt the Spirit so strongly in the room, comforting us all. This wasn’t fair, but we knew that Austin was in Heaven, he was saved, and he had a greater work to do. I felt peaceful; I stopped crying but kept my hands over my face. I kept shaking my head because I still couldn’t believe what was happening to us.

The nurse brought me my baby. I was so anxious to finally hold him. We were told that we could hold him as long as we liked. Clay sat on the bed with me and we just stared at his beautiful face. His face had bruising on the front from being born so quickly. His lips were blood red. I felt so much love and sorrow, I thought my chest would burst open. I sobbed as I examined every part of his face. He was so handsome. I took his cap off so I could look at his dark hair. After a while I handed him to Clay to hold. I still just stared at him. I kept thinking that I needed to look at him all I could now because I wouldn’t be able to later. I had only a few hours to burn his image on my mind. Sure I would have pictures, but I wanted to remember in my mind the precious time I had with him.

And so time marches on. It does not stop, no matter what the tragedy. But would I want to live in that overwhelming sorrow forever?

I am starting to feel a kind of peace. I feel better about life now than I did a year ago. I have learned so much about myself and about how the plan of salvation pertains personally to me. I know that my family is my support in all things. I also know which friends will stick by me and let me feel what I need to and will walk with me down this path no matter how unpleasant it may be.

I am not done grieving. I am still mourning the loss of my precious son. But the lessons learned are so invaluable and could not have been learned any other way. The death of my son has been an opportunity for me to grow.

As another year begins I pray I will continue to have strength and courage. And love.

Happy birthday, Austin!! We love you!

One Year Ago.....

2009-06-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

I woke early with a sense that something was wrong with my baby.

That day was the beginning of a new existence for me.

From Austin's story:

On Monday, June 9th, I woke early, at 5:00 am, which I don’t ever do. I went to the kitchen and looked out the window at the beautiful day. It was so still. Not a leaf on the tree was moving. Austin hadn’t moved since I got up. Well, maybe he’s not awake yet. Still I wondered about him. I drank some water, thinking maybe he would nudge. Nothing. It’s early, what am I worried about? Now I realize that I had a sense immediately that morning that something was wrong with my baby.

I pushed the concerns away. It was early, and I was being paranoid. I got ready for the day and went about like normal. I only had two weeks until my due date so I decided to wash all the baby clothes that day. I don’t remember what else I did besides that. I took Savannah to school at 12:00. Throughout the day the thought would come to me that I hadn’t felt Austin move. He moved so vigorously all the time that to feel no movement was strange. Gee, he’s sleeping a lot today! Maybe his head is stuck in the birth canal so he can’t move much. Maybe he’s dead. No, he’s not dead! You can’t think that.

I lied down and concentrated hard on any movement, anything at all! I pushed on my stomach, pushed his legs, jabbed and poked to get a reaction from him. After 30 minutes there still was nothing at all. Now I realized that he was probably dead, he wasn’t being right. The nurse called back and told me to go to the hospital to the birthing center.

I didn’t want to wait until Clay made it home so I called the only person that I wanted with me during this crisis. Cindy Powell. She came for me immediately. School was just letting out so we got all our kids to sitters, then she drove me to the hospital. Clay beat us there. He proved that he, too, is strong in a crisis. We went in and they took me into a small room to get a heartbeat. The nurse put the heartbeat instrument on my stomach and immediately found a heartbeat. I was so relieved. I calmed down after that news. But the nurse kept moving the monitor on my stomach, saying she was trying to get a clearer heartbeat. She kept messing with it, which was annoying. Finally she went to find the doctor to do an ultrasound to see how Austin was positioned. That was when Cindy told me that the heartbeat the nurse found was mine, because I was agitated it was beating fast so the nurse thought it was the baby’s. When I calmed down, my heartbeat slowed, and she realized it wasn’t the baby’s heartbeat but couldn’t find Austin’s heartbeat.

So the doctor on call, Dr. Mulholland, came to do an ultrasound. He looked at the monitor for five seconds then told me there was no heartbeat. I already knew that was what he would say, but it was still shocking to hear. Everyone left so Clay and I could be alone. He held me while I screamed and cried. My baby!! I want a baby! I want a baby. It hurt so much. It hurt to hear that I wouldn’t have my baby, that my baby was dead. How could this happen? Did I do something to harm my baby? Dr. Mulholland came back to talk to us about what to do now. He said I could be induced right away or we could go home and I could be induced when I was ready. We decided to be induced right away. I couldn’t walk around being pregnant with a dead baby. We talked about what may have caused Austin’s death. Dr. Mulholland said it wasn’t anything I had done. He said the cord may have wrapped around him or he pinched the cord or maybe something was wrong with the placenta. These things we would find out at delivery, but we probably would not know what happened.

It's hard for me to comprehend that a year has past. How can it be, when the images are still so vivid in my head and in my heart?

So.......

2009-06-03T08:30:00.000-07:00

Has anybody else ever accidentally washed a diaper with clothes in the washing machine?

I'm still Kickin

2009-05-29T14:39:00.001-07:00

Although a little more slowly.

The new man in my life is very good to me, but he does need to eat during the night. I'm trying to adjust to going on less sleep. (And feeling like a zombie in the meantime.)

My mom was here for two weeks so now I'm trying to figure out how to do things on my own. We tried to convince her to live with us but she likes my dad too much.

The girls are huge helps. They love their new brother so much and attack him often with lots of kisses.

I'm looking forward to school being over so when 7:00 am rolls around, if Colby is still asleep, then I will be, too!

Doing good!

2009-05-19T09:57:00.000-07:00

All is well at the Hayes' household. We can't get enough of our little son and brother. He is a really good baby!

I look terrible here so focus on the cute baby!

Clay is so in love with his son. He is taking care not to take Colby for granted. He doesn't get grumpy when I wake him to help me sometimes during the night. After all, if I'm not sleeping, why should he? Colby actually only wakes up twice a night; good for a newborn.

The girls are so happy! They will look in on him and watch him sleep. They are very vigilant. They are also very helpful. They will do anything I ask if it is to help Colby.

This is the best doctor in the world! Dr M really helped us endure through this pregnancy. He was understanding, compassionate, and took seriously what I was feeling. He delivered Austin and so was there during that time and experienced with us what we felt. He really took care of us and helped us get Colby here safely.

It's been interesting taking care of Colby. I feel to do an extra good job, part for Colby and part for Austin. Since I was never able to care for Austin, I feel that by taking care of Colby I'm also taking care of Austin. Colby reminds us of Austin in everything we do. We mainly remember that we were never able to do any of these things with Austin.

Changing diapers, nighttime feedings, wetting through clothes, what are these to the miracle of being able to hold my baby in my arms? To knowing that he gets to stay with me and no one will take him away? I am tired and I have terrible shoulder and neck pain right now but I can't feel to complain because my baby is with me this time. I am blessed to be able to care for him. Giving birth is not just a natural event anymore. It is a miracle. Every time Colby looks at me I see a miracle.

Baby, look at you now!!

2009-05-16T10:47:00.001-07:00

Colby Clay Hayes

born May 12, 2009 at 5:22 am

weighed 6 lbs 2 oz

We are in love!!

(and feel much relief!)

Eleven Months

2009-05-10T19:14:00.000-07:00

Today is a heavy duty day for me; not only is it Mother's Day but it has also been eleven months since we lost Austin. I have a lot of emotions today. Thinking about being a mother means some different things this year. Also being so close to having Colby makes me wonder if I'll be a good enough mother for him.

Colby wasn't born last week like we expected him to. His lungs need more time and I'm willing to give him that. But every day we pass, we get closer to the time that Austin died. My thoughts have been about Austin so much these days. I remember how it was when he was born, how silent he was. I remember holding him, I remember when they took him away. I've been working on his photo book and it brings the memories back so clearly.

I have been pregnant for 74 of the last 85 weeks. This is called insanity. I am fat, I am slow, my body is just plain worn out. I truly am tired of being pregnant. This is more than end of pregnancy tiredness, this is my-body-has-been-pregnant-about-as-long-as-it-can-handle-it's-not-working-right-anymore tiredness.

Only a few days more. Every day we pass gives Colby's lungs more time to be ready. I need him in my arms, and I don't want to have to give him to anybody. I don't need him taken away from me, too.

....................

2009-05-06T20:43:00.000-07:00

Lungs aren't ready.

Waiting.

Freaking out.

Praying a lot.

Whiny, Whiny

2009-05-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

I'm already starting today in a bad mood so what was supposed to be a quick trip to Walmart irritated me even more. All I needed was some fabric cut. No "associate" was there, ringing the bell numerous times did not alert anyone to come, so I wandered around the store for more than five minutes searching for an "associate". I finally found one at the dressing rooms, which is a distance from fabrics. She paged for assistance and amazingly someone was there when I returned. She said she worked in automotive.

So, if you want to shop without being bothered, Walmart is the place to go. If you need help with anything, well, good luck finding someone to help you.

Faith, Not Fear

2009-04-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

As the time gets closer for this little one to come, I get more anxious. I am concerned about him coming too soon and having problems. I am concerned about waiting too long and losing him. Of course, I could probably go to full-term without any problems, but we don't know that for certain. I'm scheduled to be induced next week. NEXT WEEK!! It is suddenly upon us and I couldn't be more ready. Will we make it? Will we make it through to next week?

This is where faith comes in. It would be so easy for me to lose it all to fear. But where there is fear, there cannot be faith. Yes, I am very anxious, but I truly know that Colby and I will be taken care of by the Lord. He knows us, He knows what will happen, and I have been trying to let His will be done. It may not end how I want it to, but we will be taken care of. He took care of me and Austin; he has been taking care of me all last year. I just keep repeating to myself, "Faith, not fear."

A couple of the songs in church yesterday spoke of faith. "I will not doubt, I will not fear, God's love and strength are always near. His promised gift helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind......His Spirit guides; his love assures that fear departs when faith endures."

Things That Our Tax Refund Was Not Intended For

2009-04-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

***A brand new fish tank and set-up. For the story, click here. Yeah, that took a chunk of money out.

***A new mattress for Dakotah's bed. When the itty bitty girl comes to me and says, "Mommy, my bed is bumpy", maybe it's finally time to trash the 65 year old mattress she's sleeping on and get her a new one.

***A brand new dryer. When my dryer (which is over 20 years old) started making a huge KA-THUMP sound every ten seconds I knew this wasn't good. But what really made me nervous was when Clay said, "If you're going to wash clothes, don't just put them in the dryer and leave the house." So, you think it could start on fire? How about we just buy a cheap new one?

One the really bright side:

Today I took my girls to the dentist for the first time in their lives. Both girls did not have any cavities!!! What mom wouldn't be pleased about that?

A good day

2009-04-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 10 months since Austin was born. I never know how my emotions will be until the day comes. I had a hard time on Wednesday and Thursday. A few things caused sadness for me. So on Friday I wondered how the day would be, but it was a good day. Janna brought me beautiful flowers and even visited Austin's grave. We're into bird poop season so she cleaned off his headstone so it won't be too messy when we visit tomorrow. It made me happy that she was thinking of him and showed her love for us.

I also had a doctor's appt yesterday that went well. I have four weeks to go until Colby's arrival. I am measuring big but that's okay since he'll be coming four weeks early. So every week now I have two non-stress tests and an ultrasound plus dr's appt. They will just be looking for anything out of the ordinary. Mostly it's for my (and Dr. M's) peace of mind. Then at week four he will check to see if Colby's lungs are developed enough. Are you ready to read how they do that? They stick a needle in my stomach through the baby's sac and pull out some of the fluid surrounding baby. Doesn't sound fun but it's necessary. I asked Dr. M if it was like popping a balloon, if it would pop the sac, but he reassured me that it wouldn't. They can tell by testing the fluid if Colby's lungs are ready. If they are, I'll be induced a couple days later. If they're not, I'll be induced a week later.

So every Tuesday and Friday I'll be at the Dr's for half the day. I'll do what it takes to have this baby come out alive and healthy!

Remembering

2009-04-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~Elizabeth Dent~

Tagged

2009-04-03T09:23:00.000-07:00

Sixth folder, sixth picture. This is Carter, Anna, Savannah, and Dakotah playing on the beach when we went to the Oregon Coast last summer with the Grossnickles. It was cold that day.

Since Janna tagged me, I get to put up this lovely picture. We were freezing! Luckily the next day was beautiful.