How I Feel Today

How thin the veil between the worlds

On the day of birth

And the day of death.

One moment your spirit resided

Within a sweet, perfect body

Cradled within mine.

The next it had fled

Back to where we all long to be.

A sacred gift it was

To be so close to Father in Heaven

As we welcomed you from His presence

And bid you farewell as you returned.

A holy privilege it is

To be your mother.

The only time you knew away from Him

Was the time you spent next to my heart.

By Michelle Baker

I miss my baby. My arms feel empty just thinking about him. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, too. Why me, nobody understands, all the usual crap is swirling around my head. I feel lost and depressed. I have to act like I'm doing okay and that bothers me. Why can't I just be depressed? Because people don't like me that way. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm tired of pretending. I am NOT okay. Things are NOT going well. I don't want to pretend anymore.

Written 3 hours later:

I just got my mail. In there was a note from Alicia L telling me she thinks about me, and also a CD from River. The first song hits very close to home. Thank you for your kindness and love. I needed it today. I needed a reminder that I am someone and I received two. Thank you.

My Poor Girls

Aren't they cute? These pictures are at their birthday party in August in Idaho Falls.

So, I'll tell you why I say "poor girls". Their thinking has been altered by what has happened to us. Janna had her baby last week and I told my girls that I was going to the hospital. Savannah said, " Oh, I hope it's alive!" The next day I showed Dakotah the new baby's picture and that evening when Clay came home she was telling him about the picture and she said,"And it's alive, Daddy, it's alive!"

How sad!! Before they just assumed that a new baby was alive, now they question that. I hurt that they have to deal with death so closely at such a young age. It has affected them as much as it as affected me. They waited for Austin's birth as excitedly as I did. Often out of nowhere Savannah will say that she misses Austin or that she wishes he didn't die. Dakotah sometimes will be sad about it. She'll say, "I'm sad that Austin died. Are you sad too Mommy?" Then we will be sad together for a while. I want to help them know that being sad and missing him are okay feelings to have and if they want to be sad then it's okay to be sad. They have seen me cry sometimes and they comfort me. They have such sweet hearts.

I love my girls and am so thankful that I have them to help me through this. It would be much harder if I didn't have them as a reason to get up every morning.

Hard Things

Elaine S. Dalton, the General Young Woman President said at the beginning of her talk: "I had a small plate inscribed with a motto that read, “I can do hard things.” That little plate bearing that simple motto gave me courage. But now if I could change that motto, it would read: “In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.”

That is how I feel today. In the strength of the Lord, I CAN do all things. Yesterday I did two of the hardest things yet. I am still breathing. I have taken another step. Tomorrow may be a little easier. I went to the hospital to see Janna who just had her baby. I almost didn't go, I had a hard time going back there, like to the scene of the crime. But in wonderful Janna fashion she told the nurses to NOT put her in Room 17, the room I was in. They highlighted it on her chart. So I knew I at least wouldn't have to go to the same room.

Janna was in Room 7, which is the same room my Dakotah was born in! That was good, good things had happened to me here, too. That was a good reminder. Cindy went with me, so I had her strength with me. I paused at the door, starting to cry, but I went in and went straight to Janna. We hugged and cried a few minutes. I didn't see the baby until I was ready. Then I looked at her for a while. Then I held her. I stood holding her and just cried and cried. All I could think was that I wanted my baby, it made me miss Austin so much. I also kept thinking that she's breathing, she's moving slightly, I noticed all the little things that my Austin didn't do. It was very sad for me, but I also realized that it didn't kill me to hold another baby. I'm not suddenly cured, I don't think church will be suddenly easy for me, but I have taken another step.

So, there's a song for everything and the one that I kept thinking of last night says something like--

"With God, nothing is impossible.
But you must reach to take his hand.
With God, nothing is impossible.
Those who have ears to hear will understand."

Today the song in my head is one from Rodgers and Hammerstein--


"When you walk through a storm hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind, Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone."

I am still walking through a storm. But I am NOT alone. Not only do I have my loving Heavenly Father and my family with me, I have you friends who care about me. I know about the benefit dinner for Austin and I was blown away. I am shocked that people care so much for us that you are willing to go to such lengths to help us have closer with Austin's headstone. Thank you for caring so much that you are willing to donate money so my baby can have a headstone. I cannot express how I feel. I am amazed by how many people were in on it! I love you all and appreciate you.

Our unwelcome guest

We have a doggie door for our dog Cuddles so she can go in and out as she pleases. It's the best thing we ever bought. It saves me from being her personal doorman all day.

UNTIL..................................................

We figure out that a cat has been coming in the doggie door and eating Cuddles' food!! Not cool!! I have seen the cat three times and it does not please me that there is a strange cat IN MY HOUSE!! While Cuddles is safely tucked in her bed this cat is coming in and Cuddles doesn't have a clue. What a security dog.

So, if you have a cat, please feed it so it won't eat my dog's food!

This is for you, Meich!!

Fourth folder, fourth picture. Clay's helicopter ride. Yeah, this is exciting.

Four Months

Take My Hand Greg Olson

A lot can happen in four months. And yet I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in that time. Life is still hard. I guess some things are easier, but mostly because it's been there and I have to deal with it whether I want to or not. I have had to deal with a lot of hard things. I'm still breathing, so I guess that's something.

It's been four months since Austin died. I can still close my eyes and feel him in my arms. I can feel his soft skin and hair under my fingers. I can feel his fingers as I wrap them around one of mine. I see his perfect face, his perfect body. I remember most of my time that I had with him. I hope I can always close my eyes and see him there.

I prepared so much for his arrival. Now I feel that I

am missing out on so many things. All things you experience with a newborn. I feel left out when I see other new moms.

I am taking to heart what several people have told me. I am going to give myself time. I will take whatever time and go as slow as I need to. If something makes me uncomfortable I will remove myself from the situation. I will not allow certain things to be forced on me. I will take all the time I need. I hope my friends will be patient with me because I do not want to be pushed to be done grieving. I need help, I need love and kind words.

I love the small acts of kindness I have benefited from. My mom has given me the challenge to write down one good thing that has happened every day. A lot of the time it is a kind act that someone has done for me. Some days I struggle to think of something. I like that I will have evidence that good things happened during this time. Thank you for thinking of me.

The Frog

Some things that have happened since Austin died I like to keep to myself for a while. Now I'm ready to share this story.

First you need to know that I like frogs. They are my knick knack that I collect. I have a lot of frogs of all sizes.

We go to the cemetary every Sunday. About two months ago when we went Dakotah found a little frog that was hopping around. Clay tried to catch it without any luck. It was jumping around like crazy when it landed on Austin's grave marker and STAYED THERE. It sat there for probably five minutes. It was amazing!! I was so close to it that I could see it breathing. I thought it would move but it didn't. As I stared at it I imagined that Austin was in heaven nudging the frog along, like it was a way to tell me that he was okay, he was fine. I like to think of it as my frog from heaven.

Our Fantastic Aprons!!

We made aprons for our Young Women for YW in Excellence and they loved them!! They better, after all our effort and time! I want to show off our handiwork!


These are the aprons I made.


The other aprons were made by Rachel J. and Shellie H.

I made this one!!

And this one!

And this one!!