My Precious Sons

I have been greatly blessed to have two beautiful sons. I have an angel in heaven and an angel on earth. It has taken a long time since we lost Austin to feel myself again. To lose a child, especially so close to his due date, has been so difficult. I have had many questions, and have behaved rather odd about some things. I have felt sad for a very long time.

When we were expecting Colby, barely three months after losing Austin, there was worry and fear up to the day I delivered. I know that you cannot have faith when fear is present, but some days I really wondered if I would lose this child too and if I could stand to deal with that again. When Colby was placed in my arms....I can't think of a word that describes how I felt. I felt like it was okay to be happy again. Colby truly has been a balm for my soul; he soothes the hurt that I feel for Austin. I am not able to hold Austin in my arms; therefore I hold all the more tightly to Colby. I am trying to be a good mother to Colby, for him and for Austin. I feel like when I am taking care of Colby I am taking care of Austin.

Sometimes when I hold Colby, I think that I could be holding Austin. It sounds a little crazy, but I can sometimes imagine that maybe it is Austin in my arms. As Colby gets older, I wonder how Austin would have looked. I always wonder. I'm a little more protective of Colby. I need him to be safe.

Austin is always at the foremost of my mind. I think and wonder about him every day. I know that I was given Colby to help me get through the sadness. I think I am happy again. I'm not hiding anymore. I think I have gotten myself put back together. Except for one piece that will always be missing.

I am so blessed to have my beautiful boys. I am blessed to have a child in heaven, waiting for me there. I am blessed to have three children on earth, to hold and love every day.

Time?

Who has time to blog when me and my baby are sick? Too much going on, no time to write about it.