I have been greatly blessed to have two beautiful sons. I have an angel in heaven and an angel on earth. It has taken a long time since we lost Austin to feel myself again. To lose a child, especially so close to his due date, has been so difficult. I have had many questions, and have behaved rather odd about some things. I have felt sad for a very long time.
When we were expecting Colby, barely three months after losing Austin, there was worry and fear up to the day I delivered. I know that you cannot have faith when fear is present, but some days I really wondered if I would lose this child too and if I could stand to deal with that again. When Colby was placed in my arms....I can't think of a word that describes how I felt. I felt like it was okay to be happy again. Colby truly has been a balm for my soul; he soothes the hurt that I feel for Austin. I am not able to hold Austin in my arms; therefore I hold all the more tightly to Colby. I am trying to be a good mother to Colby, for him and for Austin. I feel like when I am taking care of Colby I am taking care of Austin.
Sometimes when I hold Colby, I think that I could be holding Austin. It sounds a little crazy, but I can sometimes imagine that maybe it is Austin in my arms. As Colby gets older, I wonder how Austin would have looked. I always wonder. I'm a little more protective of Colby. I need him to be safe.
Austin is always at the foremost of my mind. I think and wonder about him every day. I know that I was given Colby to help me get through the sadness. I think I am happy again. I'm not hiding anymore. I think I have gotten myself put back together. Except for one piece that will always be missing.
I am so blessed to have my beautiful boys. I am blessed to have a child in heaven, waiting for me there. I am blessed to have three children on earth, to hold and love every day.
10 comments:
I'm so sorry for all the hurt and sadness you have had to feel and still feel. I am glad that you are starting to feel a little more peace and that you have Colby to help you. You are a beautiful person and a wonderful mother and all 4 of your children are so blessed to have you as their mother.
Very beautiful words.
Love you Andrea.
Beautiful words. I have thought many of those same thoughts myself.
It has helped me a lot to see your experiences with a baby after losing Austin. I worried that I might feel guilty over being so happy with a new baby, but now I can see that the grief will always be there. And the strange thing is that that is comforting. Actually I guess that's not strange, since grief comes from love, and I will always love Benjamin with the very same depth as I love my living sons. And that's really deep. :)
oh thank you for sharing... I miss you. I do know how you feel holding Colby and thinking of Austin... I have felt the same, I admit, holding Brenden and I know it's not the same. I love you and hope I can get up to see you sometime.
I wanted to tell you thank you for the comment that you left on my blog. It was extremely comforting. I enjoyed reading this entry on your blog. I, too, have fear of having another baby. I want to enjoy my next pregnancy without the fear. But I guess after going through something like this that is something that no amount of time will change. It will always be in the front of your mind.
I hope you don't mind me commenting. I came across your blog today and saw your precious Austin. He looks a lot like our Amanda looked when she was born. It took a lot to get pregnant again and then I was afraid to move. But all was well and we had one more after that for a total of five here and one waiting for us in heaven. I always picture her on a mission but 23 years is a long time for a mission. I am glad I know I will see her again and what a joyous day that will be. She's working hard for our family where she's at so we're trying to keep up our end of the bargain.
I'm glad that you are so willing to help others find peace. I felt so alone at the time we lost Amanda. I think you are a blessing to many people.
Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!
Great post, I am almost 100% in agreement with you
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