Yesterday it finally came. Someone asked me if I had only the two girls.
I have thought about what I would say when someone asked me that question and I am pleased to say that I said exactly what I hoped to.
I answered, "I have three kids; my son was recently stillborn."
The lady knew someone that had lost a child as stillborn so we talked about it for a bit. I feel bad when I have to tell someone "the news". I feel bad for them because it's not what they expect. The first time someone asked me "how is the new baby?" was the day after Austin's funeral. The girls' ballet recital was that day and I couldn't miss it. I felt very vulnerable but I was brave and had Janna as my guardian. So a mom came up and said "I see you had your baby!" I nodded and walked away. Janna explained to the poor lady because I felt bad for being rude. Now I matter-of-factly explain to people who ask what happened. It's not hard for me to say the words anymore but I am sorry for the effect it causes. The last week of school last year I only had two weeks left so everyone last saw me as huge. Now that school has begun again many moms have asked about the baby. I tell them and get different responses. One mom cried, one mom quickly changed the subject.
I hate awkwardness. I hate pity. I hate being avoided. I feel avoided everywhere I go (including church) so I am grateful for friends that I know I can look at and they won't look away. I am grateful for friends that I can talk to about Austin and they respond. They comment about him. He is a person to them, not a scary thing that should be avoided at all costs. I'm grateful for the loving comments I have received on this blog. I am actually surprised by all the kind responses I have had. I hope when I see you in person you will respond the same way. It's been two and a half months but I still need reassurance that I matter and that my son matters.
8 comments:
Andrea, thanks for being so darn honest...it helps me to know how you are thinking. I am one who is really bad at knowing what to say when someone is greiving or going through a trial. I think of you as a friend, and I hope you know that I truely admire you and your strength.
That is such a hard thing. Even ten months later, I still struggle with how to answer each time I am asked by a new acquaintance, "How many children do you have?" I am torn by the real need to always count Benjamin as one of my sons, and by the desire to avoid the painful explanation that must follow if the person then asks how old my children are. I look forward to being able to handle this more gracefully as time goes by.
Good for you for being brave and going to the recital! Maybe Austin came, too. . . .
I think you answered the question regarding how many children you have perfectly!
Yes, I think it will continue to be awkward, but hopefully the awdwardness will become easier to get around.
I know that people don't avoid you purposely, but I'm sure it is just because they don't know what to say. I hope you know that I'm always here. I like to talk, you KNOW that :) And if you ever want to chat and tell me about your sweet little Austin, I would love to listen.
One of the reasons I'm so glad you started a blog is because now I know what you are thinking. I'm not great at knowing how to handle situations. Sometimes it's hard to gauge if a person wants to be left alone and not talk about things or who the person want to talk to. I guess sometimes I'm so worried I might be offensive, but I hope I have not offended you. I think you are awesome, Andrea. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hi Andrea, What a wonderful way to pay tribute to your son by writing your honest and open feelings of him, your thoughts and emotions will impact many.
Not only will we come to know you better, but also many will learn how to handle loss through your words and example. The tears come easily for me which is an important part of feeling and remembering. Thank you.
Debie Spurgeon
I too think you're doing wonderfully. And as sweet as it is that you are concerned about how people will feel when you talk about Austin, the important thing to remember is how YOU feel. He is part of your family and I can only imagine that talking about him makes him feel close. I think the more open you are, the easier it will be. People need to see that you're okay; that you're hurting and sad but still okay. It will ease their minds and make it easier for them. I don't know why that is exactly but it seems to be true.
Keep being who you are and let the rest fall into place!
I think your response is absolutely perfect.
It's been 24 years since my brother passed away and to this day when asked how many siblings I have, he's ALWAYS included in my answer. I love when people ask me questions about him. I think over time it will get easier for you, but I think it's so important that you always include him.
Andrea, you have experienced something unimaginable. Atleast the people who read your blog will know that you're willing to talk about him and don't want to be avoided. I appreciate so much your honesty and how you're able to teach us more about grief, and especially your true feelings.
You are so awesome Andrea. Thank you for letting us all come on this journey with you. You have so many sisters who love you.
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