Having three kids is turning out to be quite an adjustment for me. I think it's because it's been so long since I've had a newborn, and my girls are pretty self sufficient, I'm used to making plans for my day and having it go how I want. I forgot how much time and energy babies take. Colby doesn't exactly do things according to my plan. So now I have less I try to do every day. Because when Colby needs me, he gets me. My house is a mess, we eat terribly, but I love snuggling with my baby!
Colby has pink eye right now. He's only six weeks old! Savannah had a fever earlier this week and Dakotah has been unusually naughty. Oh yeah, and Clay doesn't get home until 7 or 8 every night.
Okay, enough complaining.
When Colby is asleep I rush around trying to get as many things done as possible. But sometimes when he's asleep I wish he would wake up so I can hold him again. I love to hold him and feel him breathing next to me. Savannah is a wonderful helper. She loves to hold him (when she doesn't have a fever!) so I can do some things while she "babysits" him.
I remind myself to slow down and enjoy it because my kids will grow up all too soon. Some days are hectic but isn't that what a mom's job is all about?
Friday, June 26, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Colby--almost six weeks!
Look at this too-cute baby! He is so adorable. Janna took these pictures of him.
I posted them all because he's just so cute!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Austin's Birthday Celebration
Last week for Austin's birthday we had a small celebration at the cemetary.
We invited close friends to share the time with us.
I gathered roses from different places to cover Austin's grave with them.
This is my favorite picture.
Our family had written notes to tie to balloons to send to Austin.
Letting the balloons go!
Everything went exactly how I planned.
Clay liked letting the balloons go so much he wants to do it
every year for Austin's birthday!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
One Year
From Austin's story:
I pushed for about ten minutes when Austin’s head started to appear. I looked down and saw his head come out. I watched the doctor pull his body out. There was my baby, finally in the world and yet not with our world. He was so quiet, not crying like I had heard with my girls. No breathing, no moving. He was blue and pasty looking. His eyes were closed. His mouth was open because his jaw was relaxed. He was perfectly formed. He was beautiful and I loved him so much. My heart ached to have him move, make a sound, baby! Don’t you want to be here with me? Don’t you know how much I want you, how long I have been expecting you? We want you, please breathe!!
I pushed for about ten minutes when Austin’s head started to appear. I looked down and saw his head come out. I watched the doctor pull his body out. There was my baby, finally in the world and yet not with our world. He was so quiet, not crying like I had heard with my girls. No breathing, no moving. He was blue and pasty looking. His eyes were closed. His mouth was open because his jaw was relaxed. He was perfectly formed. He was beautiful and I loved him so much. My heart ached to have him move, make a sound, baby! Don’t you want to be here with me? Don’t you know how much I want you, how long I have been expecting you? We want you, please breathe!!
Dr. Mulholland wrapped Austin in a cloth and held him up for me to see him. Then a nurse took him to clean him up. I put my hands over my face and cried. Now shouldn’t the world end? This horrible thing happened, certainly life must be over. I lay there listening to Clay, my mom and Cindy cry. How much sorrow was in the room. I hurt so much to not be able to have my son while all around me others would have theirs. I ached for what would not be. I want him, I prayed for him; give him to me!! And yet, I felt loving arms around me, comforting me, giving me strength to endure. I felt my Heavenly Father with me. He was sad that I had to endure this, but he would do all in his power to help me endure. I felt the Spirit so strongly in the room, comforting us all. This wasn’t fair, but we knew that Austin was in Heaven, he was saved, and he had a greater work to do. I felt peaceful; I stopped crying but kept my hands over my face. I kept shaking my head because I still couldn’t believe what was happening to us.
The nurse brought me my baby. I was so anxious to finally hold him. We were told that we could hold him as long as we liked. Clay sat on the bed with me and we just stared at his beautiful face. His face had bruising on the front from being born so quickly. His lips were blood red. I felt so much love and sorrow, I thought my chest would burst open. I sobbed as I examined every part of his face. He was so handsome. I took his cap off so I could look at his dark hair. After a while I handed him to Clay to hold. I still just stared at him. I kept thinking that I needed to look at him all I could now because I wouldn’t be able to later. I had only a few hours to burn his image on my mind. Sure I would have pictures, but I wanted to remember in my mind the precious time I had with him.
And so time marches on. It does not stop, no matter what the tragedy. But would I want to live in that overwhelming sorrow forever?
I am starting to feel a kind of peace. I feel better about life now than I did a year ago. I have learned so much about myself and about how the plan of salvation pertains personally to me. I know that my family is my support in all things. I also know which friends will stick by me and let me feel what I need to and will walk with me down this path no matter how unpleasant it may be.
I am not done grieving. I am still mourning the loss of my precious son. But the lessons learned are so invaluable and could not have been learned any other way. The death of my son has been an opportunity for me to grow.
As another year begins I pray I will continue to have strength and courage. And love.
Happy birthday, Austin!! We love you!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
One Year Ago.....
I woke early with a sense that something was wrong with my baby.
That day was the beginning of a new existence for me.
From Austin's story:
On Monday, June 9th, I woke early, at 5:00 am, which I don’t ever do. I went to the kitchen and looked out the window at the beautiful day. It was so still. Not a leaf on the tree was moving. Austin hadn’t moved since I got up. Well, maybe he’s not awake yet. Still I wondered about him. I drank some water, thinking maybe he would nudge. Nothing. It’s early, what am I worried about? Now I realize that I had a sense immediately that morning that something was wrong with my baby.
I pushed the concerns away. It was early, and I was being paranoid. I got ready for the day and went about like normal. I only had two weeks until my due date so I decided to wash all the baby clothes that day. I don’t remember what else I did besides that. I took Savannah to school at 12:00. Throughout the day the thought would come to me that I hadn’t felt Austin move. He moved so vigorously all the time that to feel no movement was strange. Gee, he’s sleeping a lot today! Maybe his head is stuck in the birth canal so he can’t move much. Maybe he’s dead. No, he’s not dead! You can’t think that.
I lied down and concentrated hard on any movement, anything at all! I pushed on my stomach, pushed his legs, jabbed and poked to get a reaction from him. After 30 minutes there still was nothing at all. Now I realized that he was probably dead, he wasn’t being right. The nurse called back and told me to go to the hospital to the birthing center.
I didn’t want to wait until Clay made it home so I called the only person that I wanted with me during this crisis. Cindy Powell. She came for me immediately. School was just letting out so we got all our kids to sitters, then she drove me to the hospital. Clay beat us there. He proved that he, too, is strong in a crisis. We went in and they took me into a small room to get a heartbeat. The nurse put the heartbeat instrument on my stomach and immediately found a heartbeat. I was so relieved. I calmed down after that news. But the nurse kept moving the monitor on my stomach, saying she was trying to get a clearer heartbeat. She kept messing with it, which was annoying. Finally she went to find the doctor to do an ultrasound to see how Austin was positioned. That was when Cindy told me that the heartbeat the nurse found was mine, because I was agitated it was beating fast so the nurse thought it was the baby’s. When I calmed down, my heartbeat slowed, and she realized it wasn’t the baby’s heartbeat but couldn’t find Austin’s heartbeat.
So the doctor on call, Dr. Mulholland, came to do an ultrasound. He looked at the monitor for five seconds then told me there was no heartbeat. I already knew that was what he would say, but it was still shocking to hear. Everyone left so Clay and I could be alone. He held me while I screamed and cried. My baby!! I want a baby! I want a baby. It hurt so much. It hurt to hear that I wouldn’t have my baby, that my baby was dead. How could this happen? Did I do something to harm my baby? Dr. Mulholland came back to talk to us about what to do now. He said I could be induced right away or we could go home and I could be induced when I was ready. We decided to be induced right away. I couldn’t walk around being pregnant with a dead baby. We talked about what may have caused Austin’s death. Dr. Mulholland said it wasn’t anything I had done. He said the cord may have wrapped around him or he pinched the cord or maybe something was wrong with the placenta. These things we would find out at delivery, but we probably would not know what happened.
It's hard for me to comprehend that a year has past. How can it be, when the images are still so vivid in my head and in my heart?
That day was the beginning of a new existence for me.
From Austin's story:
On Monday, June 9th, I woke early, at 5:00 am, which I don’t ever do. I went to the kitchen and looked out the window at the beautiful day. It was so still. Not a leaf on the tree was moving. Austin hadn’t moved since I got up. Well, maybe he’s not awake yet. Still I wondered about him. I drank some water, thinking maybe he would nudge. Nothing. It’s early, what am I worried about? Now I realize that I had a sense immediately that morning that something was wrong with my baby.
I pushed the concerns away. It was early, and I was being paranoid. I got ready for the day and went about like normal. I only had two weeks until my due date so I decided to wash all the baby clothes that day. I don’t remember what else I did besides that. I took Savannah to school at 12:00. Throughout the day the thought would come to me that I hadn’t felt Austin move. He moved so vigorously all the time that to feel no movement was strange. Gee, he’s sleeping a lot today! Maybe his head is stuck in the birth canal so he can’t move much. Maybe he’s dead. No, he’s not dead! You can’t think that.
I lied down and concentrated hard on any movement, anything at all! I pushed on my stomach, pushed his legs, jabbed and poked to get a reaction from him. After 30 minutes there still was nothing at all. Now I realized that he was probably dead, he wasn’t being right. The nurse called back and told me to go to the hospital to the birthing center.
I didn’t want to wait until Clay made it home so I called the only person that I wanted with me during this crisis. Cindy Powell. She came for me immediately. School was just letting out so we got all our kids to sitters, then she drove me to the hospital. Clay beat us there. He proved that he, too, is strong in a crisis. We went in and they took me into a small room to get a heartbeat. The nurse put the heartbeat instrument on my stomach and immediately found a heartbeat. I was so relieved. I calmed down after that news. But the nurse kept moving the monitor on my stomach, saying she was trying to get a clearer heartbeat. She kept messing with it, which was annoying. Finally she went to find the doctor to do an ultrasound to see how Austin was positioned. That was when Cindy told me that the heartbeat the nurse found was mine, because I was agitated it was beating fast so the nurse thought it was the baby’s. When I calmed down, my heartbeat slowed, and she realized it wasn’t the baby’s heartbeat but couldn’t find Austin’s heartbeat.
So the doctor on call, Dr. Mulholland, came to do an ultrasound. He looked at the monitor for five seconds then told me there was no heartbeat. I already knew that was what he would say, but it was still shocking to hear. Everyone left so Clay and I could be alone. He held me while I screamed and cried. My baby!! I want a baby! I want a baby. It hurt so much. It hurt to hear that I wouldn’t have my baby, that my baby was dead. How could this happen? Did I do something to harm my baby? Dr. Mulholland came back to talk to us about what to do now. He said I could be induced right away or we could go home and I could be induced when I was ready. We decided to be induced right away. I couldn’t walk around being pregnant with a dead baby. We talked about what may have caused Austin’s death. Dr. Mulholland said it wasn’t anything I had done. He said the cord may have wrapped around him or he pinched the cord or maybe something was wrong with the placenta. These things we would find out at delivery, but we probably would not know what happened.
It's hard for me to comprehend that a year has past. How can it be, when the images are still so vivid in my head and in my heart?
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)