One Year

From Austin's story:

I pushed for about ten minutes when Austin’s head started to appear. I looked down and saw his head come out. I watched the doctor pull his body out. There was my baby, finally in the world and yet not with our world. He was so quiet, not crying like I had heard with my girls. No breathing, no moving. He was blue and pasty looking. His eyes were closed. His mouth was open because his jaw was relaxed. He was perfectly formed. He was beautiful and I loved him so much. My heart ached to have him move, make a sound, baby! Don’t you want to be here with me? Don’t you know how much I want you, how long I have been expecting you? We want you, please breathe!!

Dr. Mulholland wrapped Austin in a cloth and held him up for me to see him. Then a nurse took him to clean him up. I put my hands over my face and cried. Now shouldn’t the world end? This horrible thing happened, certainly life must be over. I lay there listening to Clay, my mom and Cindy cry. How much sorrow was in the room. I hurt so much to not be able to have my son while all around me others would have theirs. I ached for what would not be. I want him, I prayed for him; give him to me!! And yet, I felt loving arms around me, comforting me, giving me strength to endure. I felt my Heavenly Father with me. He was sad that I had to endure this, but he would do all in his power to help me endure. I felt the Spirit so strongly in the room, comforting us all. This wasn’t fair, but we knew that Austin was in Heaven, he was saved, and he had a greater work to do. I felt peaceful; I stopped crying but kept my hands over my face. I kept shaking my head because I still couldn’t believe what was happening to us.

The nurse brought me my baby. I was so anxious to finally hold him. We were told that we could hold him as long as we liked. Clay sat on the bed with me and we just stared at his beautiful face. His face had bruising on the front from being born so quickly. His lips were blood red. I felt so much love and sorrow, I thought my chest would burst open. I sobbed as I examined every part of his face. He was so handsome. I took his cap off so I could look at his dark hair. After a while I handed him to Clay to hold. I still just stared at him. I kept thinking that I needed to look at him all I could now because I wouldn’t be able to later. I had only a few hours to burn his image on my mind. Sure I would have pictures, but I wanted to remember in my mind the precious time I had with him.

And so time marches on. It does not stop, no matter what the tragedy. But would I want to live in that overwhelming sorrow forever?

I am starting to feel a kind of peace. I feel better about life now than I did a year ago. I have learned so much about myself and about how the plan of salvation pertains personally to me. I know that my family is my support in all things. I also know which friends will stick by me and let me feel what I need to and will walk with me down this path no matter how unpleasant it may be.

I am not done grieving. I am still mourning the loss of my precious son. But the lessons learned are so invaluable and could not have been learned any other way. The death of my son has been an opportunity for me to grow.

As another year begins I pray I will continue to have strength and courage. And love.

Happy birthday, Austin!! We love you!