Two Years

A Special Little Spirit

"You're a Special Little Spirit," the all-great master said, as He gently caressed the dark hair of the Little Spirit's head. "You need to go to Earth to spend some time, you know, a place I send most Spirits to be tested, to learn and grow."
The Little Spirit, in sadness, slowly bowed his head, and from his eye a tear did steal and down his cheek it shed. "Don't you fret now, little one. I won't let you stay too long. I'll bring you back to help Me here, you'll hardly know that you've been gone. You're my choicest Little Spirit, You're the apple of my eye." And He wiped the tear and gently kissed His Little Spirit good-bye.
"I'm back," the Little Spirit whispered, as he climbed onto his Master's knee, and the Master said, "I told you, you would not be long away from me." And then the Lord, He noticed still another tear welled in his eye. "Why are you so sad, Little Spirit, whatever should make you cry?"
"I'm glad I'm back," the Spirit said, "but Master you must surely know, when your Angel came to get me, I didn't want to go. I know you said you needed me and that I'd be gone the shortest while, but, Lord, couldn't I have had a little longer Earthly trial?"
The Master let the Little Spirit slip down from off His knee. He fimly took the little hand and said, "Come walk with me." The Little Spirit and his Lord walked slowly hand in hand, as the Master explained his special part in the great and marvelous plan.
"Now Lord, i don't mean to argue, I understand that you needed me home. But I left in such a hurry; I left everyone hurting and so alone. I didn't let my earthly parents know how much I loved them so. They feel they've been cheated, and in a way, so do I. Not getting to share any more than we did, how can I ever tell them why?"
"Little Spirit, I know your heart is heavy with this message you need to share. But you need not worry any more; I'll watch over your loved ones there. I'll send them loving comfort as a strong and helping hand. I'll content and give peace to their aching hearts, so they will understand."
The Little Spirit looked up at his Master and said, "Thank you for explaining to me. And could you please tell them I'm safe and happy and that someday they'll be here with me."
"Yes," said the Lord with a smile and a nod, "I'll tell them all that I can." Then the others came to see the Little Spirit as the Lord let go of his hand. He said, "I'll tell them you're pure, pure as Heaven's Gold; that I needed the warmth of your perfect soul to keep Heaven from getting cold."
Author unknown

It's interesting that I can go about my days all well and good, but when it gets close to the anniversary of Austin's birth, all the feelings come back.

Today I feel sad and melancholy and wishful. I looked through his box of items and just let myself wish for a minute.

Today Austin would be two years old. What would he look like? Would his hair stay dark like mine or turn blonde like his sisters and brother's did? Would he have blue eyes? What would be his favorite food? Would he chase Cuddles and squeal at her? Would he like to be outside like Colby does? Would he say "Mama"? Would he run to me and hug me tight? Would he be a daddy's boy like Colby is?

I hurt, I ache, I miss my baby so terribly. Especially today, when he was born, when things didn't turn out like I had planned. Never did I think that I would lose a baby. Never did I think that I would go through the experience that I did. The range of emotions is impossible to explain.

But.

Never have I been so blessed as I have been from this experience. I didn't think I could survive the experience, either. Yet here I am, two years later, and I feel that I am a stronger person. I feel that some things about me have changed that may not have any other way. But I think that I have found myself again. It's been two tough years of confusion, emotion, joy, and sorrow. But I feel like myself again. I am able to laugh again, sing again, enjoy again. I am me with a few upgrades. Of course there is still work for me to do and other ways to continue to improve myself and relationships that suffered when I was being selfish. But I feel like I have come back to life. My eyes are not so dark and heavy.

I love you, Austin. I think about you every single day. You are and always will be my beautiful angel baby. Thank you for helping me and our family to be able to live with you and our Father in Heaven. Please don't give up on us. We are doing our best and anxiously wait for the day when we can all be together again. Happy birthday.