Christmas for Austin

We brought flowers for Austin the week before Christmas. He was of course completely buried in the snow but because we go so often I estimated quite closely to where he was. I swiped the snow in one place and uncovered the flowers we had left there. I was only a foot below him! How's that for accuracy?

On Christmas Day we visited Austin with the Grossnickles. We found him more easily this time because of the flowers. We gave him the froggie and Janna gave him the snowman angel. It was so peaceful. I knelt there and shivered and thought about my son. This would be his first Christmas and he would be six months old. I kept thinking about what we were missing. I'm so grateful for my girls because I can do so much with them.

Sunday we visited again. There was no snow!! I love how it melts so fast here. While we were there another couple came to visit their little one. It is a recent burial, only a few months. We noticed when it was put in and there is always toys and such around the marker. We were leaving when they came. I sat in my car and watched them for a minute, wondering about them. They were a young couple; this must have been their first child. There are so many things around this marker, I can tell that she misses her child terribly. She pulled out dead flowers and straightened the things that had fallen over. How is she doing? How is she dealing with this trial in her life? Does she have a wonderful support system like me? I am so grateful that I have other children to distract me from my grief. I am so grateful for friends that tell me straight and make me think about things but they also know when I need silence. I'm so grateful for my parents that worry about me too much. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and his guiding hand in my life.

P.S. The headstone is in!! They just have to wait for the ground to unfreeze. It is perfect.

Good news all around

We got our ring and necklace that we ordered with Austin's handprint on it. They came the Monday before Christmas. It was perfect because I wrapped Clay's and hid it in his stocking and surprised him with it!!!

This is my necklace with Austin's handprint. It is inscribed

with his name and birthdate on the back.

This is Clay's ring. It has Austin's handprint all the way around it.

It is also inscribed with his name and birthdate.

Aren't they wonderful?? I am loving my necklace.

Austin is with me every place I go.

Clay got me a digital picture frame and I can access all my pictures on my computer from it. So every day I choose a new file to display! It's fun to have my Christmas pictures already showing. It's fun.

Also, Clay is done driving!!! How exciting is that!!! I am ready to welcome the new year!!

The I-Mean-Business way to open a gift

Christmas Feelings

I've been having kind of a tough time with the holidays this year. Every holiday is just a reminder that, oh, my baby is not here to enjoy all these firsts. Christmas has been especially difficult. I find myself wondering why we do all these things like put a tree in our house, hang up lights, the endless presents. Why can't it just be about the Savior and nothing else??

I really didn't want to put a tree in our house. My husband overruled me, though, saying the girls need to have it, which is right. So I set about researching why we do a silly thing. I would like to share what I discovered.

The Egyptians put green palm leaves in their homes to symbolize life's triumph over death.

The Germans and Scandinavians put a tree in their homes to show their hope for the forthcoming spring.

Martin Luther was the first to put lighted candles on a tree, trying to recreate the starlit sky that shone over Bethlehem.

A Christmas tree symbolizes the Christmas spirit.

Okay, now it's easier for me to deal with. So my tree for me is the starlit sky that shone over Bethlehem. The only thing I could find about why we decorate the trees is that Queen Victoria did it, so everyone else did too. Our tree stood in our living room for a week with nothing on it, and I admit it looks better with our ornaments on. I enjoyed myself with my family remembering the memories that go with every ornament.

I wish you all a happy holiday season and hope we all remember our Savior, the real reason of Christmas.

Six Months

I don't understand the passing of time. The thought of six months since I held my precious baby makes me think different things. It doesn't seem to be that long ago. I can close my eyes and see evey detail of Austin's face, remember how soft his skin felt. I remember the sorrow and anguish I felt when he was born not breathing. I vividly remember how I felt that a piece of my soul was being torn from me when he was taken from my arms. I also vividly remember the feelings of peace and love I felt at both those times. And yet six months feels like a long time. How long it was since I last held him, how long since I looked on his face. I feel like so many things have changed in this time, especially me, but, really, is it only six months? How can time keep passing and I sometimes feel that I am standing still?

Six months since my child was placed in this box. I can't even describe the feeling of seeing my son in a box having a lid placed on top. It was so final. This little casket holds my beautiful baby boy. I pray that it will keep him and protect him.

Austin, I miss you so much. I long to have you with me and our family. I long to see what you would look like now, to see your personality. I know you are in our Heavenly Father's care. I know you have a special mission, and that you are too precious to be in this earth. I am grateful to have my own personal angel helping to guide me home. I pray that I can do what I need to so I will be able to be with you again. Please watch over our family. I love you.

Goings On at the Hayes House

I made these cute jammies for Savannah. When we tried to put the shirt on, it wouldn't fit over her head! (The material wasn't stretchy enough.) So I had to get creative

(I don't do well with creative) and now it fits.

This poor guy has been worn out working two jobs. But he will look like this no more! His boss at his "day job" gave him a raise that is equivalent to what he earns at FedEx so he is quitting FedEx at the end of the month. (Christmas season is not a good time to bail.)I'm soooo excited!! I get my husband back!

After some trial the headstone for Austin is officially ordered. I'm so anxious to have it replace this small marker (which we are keeping). It was such a peaceful feeling to be able to write a check for the whole amount and be done with it. Thanks to all who have supported us. The headstone should be in place by February.

We have our own Santa this year. I'm having a bit of trouble with the holiday

season but I guess it's not so bad if I still bought this!

Crazy Kid

Has this ever happened to you?

I made spaghetti for dinner tonight, something we eat frequently. The whole time I was cooking Savannah kept whining about how she doesn't like spaghetti and she won't eat it. At the table she sat on her plate and was still complaining so I asked her what she would like for dinner tomorrow. She answered with soup. Okay, I'll make soup tomorrow. Clay asked if we had any Cup of Noodles that she could have right then. So Savannah got one and Clay started making it for her.

Savannah sat back at the table with us and asked, "Can I have spaghetti while I wait for my soup to be done?"

That's a big fat NO!