So I guess it's time that I break my silence and spill the beans. Since I can't hide it anymore and I don't want to get any funny looks I guess it's time to tell everyone the truth. Yes, yes, I am pregnant! It's happy, scary, unnerving and frightful all at the same time. I've tried to hide it as long as I could simply because it's a difficult issue this time around. I've wanted to avoid questions that I didn't know if I could answer. Losing Austin changes everything about how I feel about this pregnancy. In the beginning I tried to ignore the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't want to become attached to a baby that I would possibly lose. The first most thing on my mind was that I would lose this baby, too. It happened before, why not again. But Cindy reminded me that I needed to have a relationship with this baby because even though I lost Austin, I love remembering him inside me and knowing him that way. Wouldn't I be sad if I lost this baby and didn't try to love it?
From the beginning I have had the attitude that there is a possibility that I will lose this baby. I think that if I have that fact in my mind and mentally prepare myself for it, if it happens I will cope with it more easily. Of course I pray every night that we will be blessed to have this baby with us here.
I am now feeling movement. It is such a happy reassurance. Dr Mulholland is going to get me a Doppler to borrow so I can hear the heartbeat anytime I want. I want this baby and I am starting to have more motherly feelings towards it. Of course I always loved it, but now I am hoping more for the future than I would let myself before. Dr M will test the baby's lungs at 36 weeks and if it's ready, out it comes. I won't have to wonder if we will make it to the next day. Remember Austin died at 38 weeks. I feel hopeful thinking that this baby will come out alive.
I am now at 20 weeks. Today I had my ultrasound. It was bittersweet. I could sit there forever watching my baby move around. I stared at the heart beating, beating, beating. The beautiful formation of the body. Everything looks wonderful. But.....at my ultrasound with Austin his heart was beating. Everything looked wonderful. There is now this flipside to how I see it all. My baby is alive today. Will it be tomorrow? A reassuring scripture I read this week says, "Look to the Lord in all thy doings; doubt not, fear not." I can't allow myself to fear. It's a difficult thing to do, but I cannot doubt, I cannot fear. Also, we were able to determine the gender of the baby. It's a
18 comments:
Andrea, I'm happy for you! How nice to be able to hear your baby's heartbeat at home. I'm excited to hear the gender!
You left me hanging at the end!! Oh how exciting Andrea! I am very very happy for you. I wish you nothing but the best.
such good news. be strong in your faith and enjoy the blessing of a baby growing inside. i pray for health for both of you--please tell the gender soon
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! But I want to know what you are having!
You having a ??!!??
How exciting, I am so so so happy for you, stay strong and remember we are all still praying for you :)
I am thrilled for you. I know how scary this is. My heart still beats fast and I feel overwhelmed when I have a Dr. Apt. You will be blessed and taken care of for your faith and courage. Take care.
??? Rude! What are you having? :) I am excited for you!
I know what you're having, but I won't spill the beans for you. :) I'm soooo happy for you guys! Thank you for letting Clay come visit us. It's always so good to have a visit from a family member. We loved having him here and can't wait until we can see all of you.
Congratulations! I can't wait to hear what the baby is.
Hooray! I can imagine what a mixed bag of emotions this all is.
I'll be praying for you and little baby ???
Congratulations, Andrea! I wondered and I'm so happy for you.
Really? You're not going to tell us what the baby is?! :) I'm so happy for you and understand the emotional roller coaster this has got to be. I pray you'll continue to have hope and faith that this time it will all turn out okay. Really, I'm so excited for you!
Yea! I got the news at Target (big surprise) so um... I went shopping for you. I am so excited you can hear the heartbeat whenever you want. That so amazing. I am so excited to hear a name. I love you and I am so excited to talk to you soon.
Please tell!!! YOu cant leave me hanging! You are strong! YOu can do it!
Congratulations to you guys! You are such a wonderful family. Now you have to tell us the gender...
Shellie
You tricksy girl you! Leaving everyone hanging like this!!!
I love this scripture, and I think it is so very fitting. I completely understand your mix of emotions throughout this pregnancy.
How COOL is Dr. M.??!! He is the best doctor ever and I LOVE that he is letting you borrow the doppler. What a perfect way for you not only to have peace of mind that all is well with Baby _______, but also what a fantastic way for you to continue to bond with this beautiful baby that is on his/her way to your family. (whew...how was that for a run-on sentence?)
Congratulations!
I'm so excited for you! I can't believe you managed to hide it for 20 weeks! Can't wait to hear what it is.
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