Faith, Not Fear

As the time gets closer for this little one to come, I get more anxious. I am concerned about him coming too soon and having problems. I am concerned about waiting too long and losing him. Of course, I could probably go to full-term without any problems, but we don't know that for certain. I'm scheduled to be induced next week. NEXT WEEK!! It is suddenly upon us and I couldn't be more ready. Will we make it? Will we make it through to next week?

This is where faith comes in. It would be so easy for me to lose it all to fear. But where there is fear, there cannot be faith. Yes, I am very anxious, but I truly know that Colby and I will be taken care of by the Lord. He knows us, He knows what will happen, and I have been trying to let His will be done. It may not end how I want it to, but we will be taken care of. He took care of me and Austin; he has been taking care of me all last year. I just keep repeating to myself, "Faith, not fear."

A couple of the songs in church yesterday spoke of faith. "I will not doubt, I will not fear, God's love and strength are always near. His promised gift helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind......His Spirit guides; his love assures that fear departs when faith endures."

Things That Our Tax Refund Was Not Intended For

***A brand new fish tank and set-up. For the story, click here. Yeah, that took a chunk of money out.

***A new mattress for Dakotah's bed. When the itty bitty girl comes to me and says, "Mommy, my bed is bumpy", maybe it's finally time to trash the 65 year old mattress she's sleeping on and get her a new one.

***A brand new dryer. When my dryer (which is over 20 years old) started making a huge KA-THUMP sound every ten seconds I knew this wasn't good. But what really made me nervous was when Clay said, "If you're going to wash clothes, don't just put them in the dryer and leave the house." So, you think it could start on fire? How about we just buy a cheap new one?


One the really bright side:

Today I took my girls to the dentist for the first time in their lives. Both girls did not have any cavities!!! What mom wouldn't be pleased about that?

A good day

Yesterday was 10 months since Austin was born. I never know how my emotions will be until the day comes. I had a hard time on Wednesday and Thursday. A few things caused sadness for me. So on Friday I wondered how the day would be, but it was a good day. Janna brought me beautiful flowers and even visited Austin's grave. We're into bird poop season so she cleaned off his headstone so it won't be too messy when we visit tomorrow. It made me happy that she was thinking of him and showed her love for us.

I also had a doctor's appt yesterday that went well. I have four weeks to go until Colby's arrival. I am measuring big but that's okay since he'll be coming four weeks early. So every week now I have two non-stress tests and an ultrasound plus dr's appt. They will just be looking for anything out of the ordinary. Mostly it's for my (and Dr. M's) peace of mind. Then at week four he will check to see if Colby's lungs are developed enough. Are you ready to read how they do that? They stick a needle in my stomach through the baby's sac and pull out some of the fluid surrounding baby. Doesn't sound fun but it's necessary. I asked Dr. M if it was like popping a balloon, if it would pop the sac, but he reassured me that it wouldn't. They can tell by testing the fluid if Colby's lungs are ready. If they are, I'll be induced a couple days later. If they're not, I'll be induced a week later.

So every Tuesday and Friday I'll be at the Dr's for half the day. I'll do what it takes to have this baby come out alive and healthy!

Remembering

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~Elizabeth Dent~

Tagged

Sixth folder, sixth picture. This is Carter, Anna, Savannah, and Dakotah playing on the beach when we went to the Oregon Coast last summer with the Grossnickles. It was cold that day.

Since Janna tagged me, I get to put up this lovely picture. We were freezing! Luckily the next day was beautiful.

Ode to Cindy

Happy birthday to Cindy
You wonderful friend of mine!
A few things I'd like to say
about why you are so divine.

You're the first friend I made here
Five years later we're still going strong.
I've depended on you for so much
But I'm not surprised our friendship has lasted so long.

You let me whine and fuss and moan
You listen to all I say.
When I'm finished complaining
You help me view things another way.

You have a very caring heart
You happily help out, whatever the need.
Whether I need diapers, babysitting or dinner
You give, without feeling greed.

I only wanted you to take me to the hospital
Last year when our precious Austin died.
I needed your comforting presence
You willingly stayed by my side.

When I asked "What if my baby's dead?"
You didn't just say it would be all right.
You truthfully answered, "Then we'll be sad."
You didn't try to lie.

You have helped me grow during this time
I look to you to be honest with me.
I get upset and frustrated about things
But you calm me down and help me to see.

Cindy, you are a wonderful friend
You really are the best!
Now I have to end this poem
I need to give my brain a rest.