moody

I need to put my attitude in check before I post. Sorry about going up and down all the time. I guess you know what my mood is by reading my posts! ( Mood today is I'm sick.)

Stillborn

Stillborn



I carried you in hope,
the long nine months of my term,
often felt you kick and move
as slowly you grew within me,
wondered what you would look like
when your wet head emerged,
and at that glad moment
I should hear your birth cry,
and I welcoming you
with all you needed of warmth and food;
we had a home waiting for you.



After my strong laborings,
sweat cold on my limbs,
my small cries merging with the summer air
you came. You did not cry.
You did not breathe.
We had not expected this;
It seems your birth had no meaning,
or had you rejected us?



They will say that you did not live,
register you as stillborn.
But you lived for me all that time
in the dark chamber of my womb,
and when I think of you now,
perfect in your little death,
I know that you are born still,
I shall carry you with me forever,
my child, you were always mine,
you are mine now.



by Leonard Clark



I did our taxes this week and while we are getting a nice refund it was an annoying task. Obviously I cannot claim Austin but it bugged me that his name couldn't be on there with his sisters. It bugged me that I was missing out on a child deduction. But what really bothered me is that I can't deduct funeral expenses. There are a myriad of things that are deductible but you can't deduct the cost of burying a child. Irritating!!!!



It's amazing how society can just turn their face from my sorrow. How quickly people forget or want to forget that something horrible happened to my family. We are expected to go on like normal. I am still trying to find a new normal. I have been changed so much but I am expected to act like I used to. Some people get uncomfortable when I talk about my baby but I WILL talk about him! I will not let him be forgotten! He is so much a part of me; if anyone wants to know me, then they will know him and know that he exists. He DOES exist! I do have a son!

What a Great Start!

I woke up this morning expecting it to be another ordinary day. (With the exception of having kids home because of no school.) I ate breakfast and wandered downstairs to check my email since I haven't checked it all weekend. It opened and I clicked on a new email. I read it. Not believing who it was from, I read it again. And again. Finally realizing it really was from this person I had to call my mom to tell her and now I have to share it with everyone!! The daughter of Elaine S. Dalton came upon my blog and left a comment! Isn't that exciting?!? It's the last comment on the page.

The Great Unveiling

Today is the day that you all get to see Austin's headstone. I saved it for today which is 8 months since we lost our baby. This time thing is making me crazy. It's going too fast for it to be 8 months since we lost Austin. But I want it to go faster so I can be done being pregnant and have my baby! ( I don't really want to be pregnant, I just want the baby.) So here it is in all it's splendor.

It's beautiful. It is perfect. It is exactly how I want it. I love having Austin's picture on it so I can see him every time I go. It is so wonderful and lovely to look at; it gives me such peace when I look at it and think about my baby. It'll be great when it's warmer outside so we can stay longer. Right now it's too cold to stay more than a couple minutes. I don't think that's long enough, but Clay makes me leave when my entire body starts shaking from the cold!

We chose a rose because that's what we take for Austin every week when ours are in bloom. We chose a frog because of this story. Clay actually chose the fonts and the blue granite. I love it.

Anxiety

What is going on with us is a lot of anxiety. Dakotah and Savannah keep saying they hope this baby is alive. What if it isn't? What are they going to think of me if I lose another baby? Savannah also asks when Jesus is going to come so we can have Austin. I wish so desperately that I had an answer for her. Dakotah will suddenly get so sad and say she misses Austin and wants him to be alive again. What will happen if we lose this baby, too?

I go from being happy about being pregnant and having another baby to such worry about if we are going to make it. Can we make it 13 more weeks? Will this baby make it? I worry about making baby plans. I was completely ready for Austin. I half think that I shouldn't be prepared this time so things will go better. I washed Austin's clothes the day I found out he was dead. I'm scared to wash the clothes again for fear it will make me lose my baby. I know that sounds crazy and washing clothes doesn't make babies die, but I'm afraid I'll jinx myself if I get prepared.

Austin died during the night and when I get up to use the bathroom I can't go back to sleep until I feel the baby move a few times. I worry that I'll wake up one morning and there won't be movement. So I concentrate a lot on the baby's movement. I try not to be scared or worried, because that sure doesn't help anything. Some days it's so hard.

"Listen to me, Grandma!"

Fun at the Recital

Saturday I had a piano recital for my students.

Me with all my students

I like to give my students a gift at each recital. This year I decided to do something different than the usual pencil or sheet music. I got the idea from a friend's blog to make chocolate pianos! I bought a mold online and made 13 of these babies! I would go into the detail of the making of the pianos but I don't want to relive the nightmare. These pianos don't have legs for a reason. My students loved them, but the next time I want to be creative I'll hire someone who's name rhymes with weather!

(Only my mom is required to watch these videos!)