I'm still Kickin

Although a little more slowly.

The new man in my life is very good to me, but he does need to eat during the night. I'm trying to adjust to going on less sleep. (And feeling like a zombie in the meantime.)

My mom was here for two weeks so now I'm trying to figure out how to do things on my own. We tried to convince her to live with us but she likes my dad too much.

The girls are huge helps. They love their new brother so much and attack him often with lots of kisses.

I'm looking forward to school being over so when 7:00 am rolls around, if Colby is still asleep, then I will be, too!

Doing good!

All is well at the Hayes' household. We can't get enough of our little son and brother. He is a really good baby!

I look terrible here so focus on the cute baby!

Clay is so in love with his son. He is taking care not to take Colby for granted. He doesn't get grumpy when I wake him to help me sometimes during the night. After all, if I'm not sleeping, why should he? Colby actually only wakes up twice a night; good for a newborn.

The girls are so happy! They will look in on him and watch him sleep. They are very vigilant. They are also very helpful. They will do anything I ask if it is to help Colby.

This is the best doctor in the world! Dr M really helped us endure through this pregnancy. He was understanding, compassionate, and took seriously what I was feeling. He delivered Austin and so was there during that time and experienced with us what we felt. He really took care of us and helped us get Colby here safely.

It's been interesting taking care of Colby. I feel to do an extra good job, part for Colby and part for Austin. Since I was never able to care for Austin, I feel that by taking care of Colby I'm also taking care of Austin. Colby reminds us of Austin in everything we do. We mainly remember that we were never able to do any of these things with Austin.

Changing diapers, nighttime feedings, wetting through clothes, what are these to the miracle of being able to hold my baby in my arms? To knowing that he gets to stay with me and no one will take him away? I am tired and I have terrible shoulder and neck pain right now but I can't feel to complain because my baby is with me this time. I am blessed to be able to care for him. Giving birth is not just a natural event anymore. It is a miracle. Every time Colby looks at me I see a miracle.

Baby, look at you now!!

Colby Clay Hayes

born May 12, 2009 at 5:22 am

weighed 6 lbs 2 oz

We are in love!!

(and feel much relief!)

Eleven Months

Today is a heavy duty day for me; not only is it Mother's Day but it has also been eleven months since we lost Austin. I have a lot of emotions today. Thinking about being a mother means some different things this year. Also being so close to having Colby makes me wonder if I'll be a good enough mother for him.

Colby wasn't born last week like we expected him to. His lungs need more time and I'm willing to give him that. But every day we pass, we get closer to the time that Austin died. My thoughts have been about Austin so much these days. I remember how it was when he was born, how silent he was. I remember holding him, I remember when they took him away. I've been working on his photo book and it brings the memories back so clearly.

I have been pregnant for 74 of the last 85 weeks. This is called insanity. I am fat, I am slow, my body is just plain worn out. I truly am tired of being pregnant. This is more than end of pregnancy tiredness, this is my-body-has-been-pregnant-about-as-long-as-it-can-handle-it's-not-working-right-anymore tiredness.

Only a few days more. Every day we pass gives Colby's lungs more time to be ready. I need him in my arms, and I don't want to have to give him to anybody. I don't need him taken away from me, too.

....................

Lungs aren't ready.

Waiting.

Freaking out.

Praying a lot.

Whiny, Whiny

I'm already starting today in a bad mood so what was supposed to be a quick trip to Walmart irritated me even more. All I needed was some fabric cut. No "associate" was there, ringing the bell numerous times did not alert anyone to come, so I wandered around the store for more than five minutes searching for an "associate". I finally found one at the dressing rooms, which is a distance from fabrics. She paged for assistance and amazingly someone was there when I returned. She said she worked in automotive.

So, if you want to shop without being bothered, Walmart is the place to go. If you need help with anything, well, good luck finding someone to help you.

Faith, Not Fear

As the time gets closer for this little one to come, I get more anxious. I am concerned about him coming too soon and having problems. I am concerned about waiting too long and losing him. Of course, I could probably go to full-term without any problems, but we don't know that for certain. I'm scheduled to be induced next week. NEXT WEEK!! It is suddenly upon us and I couldn't be more ready. Will we make it? Will we make it through to next week?

This is where faith comes in. It would be so easy for me to lose it all to fear. But where there is fear, there cannot be faith. Yes, I am very anxious, but I truly know that Colby and I will be taken care of by the Lord. He knows us, He knows what will happen, and I have been trying to let His will be done. It may not end how I want it to, but we will be taken care of. He took care of me and Austin; he has been taking care of me all last year. I just keep repeating to myself, "Faith, not fear."

A couple of the songs in church yesterday spoke of faith. "I will not doubt, I will not fear, God's love and strength are always near. His promised gift helps me to find an inner strength and peace of mind......His Spirit guides; his love assures that fear departs when faith endures."