I have learned...

I have learned a lot from my trial of having a stillborn baby.

• I have learned that men and women grieve differently!!! To put it short, Clay needs his space to do it his way and I need to talk to do it my way.
  


• I have the best friends on the planet. Cindy was such a rock. She took me to the hospital, was there for the delivery, and after they took Austin, she stayed with me until I fell asleep (Clay was exhausted). Janna stayed by me for two days straight, during the funeral and then during the girls' ballet recital. Cindy, Janna, Amy, Vanessa, and River bought me a necklace that has Austin's birthstone on it, a real pearl!!

• I am loved and thought of by so many people. We received 54 sympathy cards.

• We have a wonderful ward. We were brought dinner for a month straight and then we received two weeks of freezer meals.

• My mom and dad are the best. I always knew they were something special, but they proved it again. They drove all night to be with us. They were with us when Austin was born. All my siblings also came for the funeral.

• My testimony has been strengthened so much. It wavered for a while, but when Austin died, I already knew the answers to the normal questions. I know where he is, that I am his mother and he is a part of our family, and that I will be able to raise him during the millenium. I KNOW it.

• The biggest thing I've learned is how strong I am. I never thought I could go through something difficult like this, but here I am now, a stronger person because of it. There were so many difficult things suddenly put upon me and I survived them all. The most difficult was when they had to take Austin. Before that happened, I couldn't see how I could let him go. I have been writing Austin's story, all that happened those few days when we discovered he was gone and through the funeral. The hardest part was writing about when they took him. I'd like to share that part, to share the emotions of that time.

When the man from the funeral home came he brought in a basket. What!? You are not putting my baby in a basket!! That made me tightened my hold on Austin even more. What a terrible thing to put my baby in that basket. Clay and my parents talked to the man for a minute. Then he stepped back out of the way. Clay and my parents came over to my bed. I ignored them. Austin was my baby and I didn’t have to give him to them. Clay wanted to take Austin so he could say goodbye but I knew that was just his reason for getting the baby from me. I started shaking my head and crying. My dad was on the other side of the bed. He told me that it was time for Austin to go, that we needed to think of him and do what was best for him. NO!! What is best is for me to keep my baby!! I was not giving up Austin. Clay reached down to take him but I wouldn’t let him go. My dad took my arms and held them so Clay would be able to take Austin. My dad restrained me so I couldn’t fight to keep my son. Clay kissed Austin and gave him to the man who put him in the wretched basket and left. I started screaming. NO!! That’s my baby!! Give me my baby!! I want my baby!! NO!! Please, I want my baby!! The hardest thing I had to do had been done and I felt such overwhelming grief. My baby had been taken from me. How does one go on? What is there now to do?

After a bit I stopped crying. I listened to Clay cry on one side of me, and my mom cry on the other side. I felt such peace as I had never experienced before. I wondered why I wasn’t crying anymore. But then I realized that my Heavenly Father was in that room with me, comforting me and helping me to feel my own strength. I had let my baby go and I was still breathing. Life will continue to go on and He will be with me every step. He was with me at the most difficult point of my life. He loves me and helped me to feel peace.

I cry every time I read that. I want my baby, I hurt so bad inside, but I will get up tomorrow and go on because it's what I have to do. It's what my girls need me to do. Right now life sucks...but I can't stop. I have to move forward.