Fun at the Recital

Saturday I had a piano recital for my students.

Me with all my students

I like to give my students a gift at each recital. This year I decided to do something different than the usual pencil or sheet music. I got the idea from a friend's blog to make chocolate pianos! I bought a mold online and made 13 of these babies! I would go into the detail of the making of the pianos but I don't want to relive the nightmare. These pianos don't have legs for a reason. My students loved them, but the next time I want to be creative I'll hire someone who's name rhymes with weather!

(Only my mom is required to watch these videos!)

Adventures in Substituting

Clay hasn't been to church with us a few Sundays this month because of work and traveling. But he completely, absolutely made up for it this last Sunday.

Our Primary Pres asked me Saturday to sub Dakotah's class, I said yes. Then she called back to say that the teacher would be there, I just needed to help. I can do that. Sunday I went in to primary and sat with Dakotah's class but no teacher showed up. So I asked for a book to go over the lesson during sharing time. Then one of the kids in my class kept getting up and running away! Once I followed him to the chapel, then decided that the pres could handle it better than me because the kid knew her better. So she would catch him, bring him back, he'd run off, she'd catch him, repeat. So I decided to bring in reinforcement for class time. I got Clay to come in to my class to deal with this kid while I taught the lesson to the other kids.

The lesson was about Joseph Smith's childhood and included the story about his leg. We were talking about this story when another kid started whimpering. I thought the story was scaring him so I tried to calm him down when he THREW UP all over. Then THREW UP again!! He kept THROWING UP!! Clay ran out for a garbage can, I ran out for the mother, then I bailed on him. I left with the other kids and left him with the mess. Clay was very brave to deal with it all.

Impromptu lesson, runaway kid, throwing up kid, all at once!!??!!! Relief Society might not be so scary after this!!

It was fun for me!!

I have had so much fun these last few days NOT telling the gender of my baby. Wow, people don't like not knowing that. I did it for my own amusement and was greatly pleased with all the reactions. HA!!

It was also fun surprising people with the news. I had my own reasons for not sharing it immediately and now that I'm telling (and showing) it's fun to see people's faces when they realize how far along I am.

I have felt good and happy these last couple days. The movement of the baby is such a relief. I have 16 weeks to go. I hope my emotions can make it!

Okay, do you really want to know? We are having a boy. Very exciting for me. I am happy to be having a boy since Austin was taken from me. Of course I would love whatever Heavenly Father blessed me with, but I'm glad that I'll be able to (hopefully) use all the boy things I collected for Austin. I will also go ahead with our plans for decorating the baby's room that we were going to do for Austin but never finished. Now what I need is continued faith, hope, and endurance to make it to a hopefully happy end.

Normal Happy News

So I guess it's time that I break my silence and spill the beans. Since I can't hide it anymore and I don't want to get any funny looks I guess it's time to tell everyone the truth. Yes, yes, I am pregnant! It's happy, scary, unnerving and frightful all at the same time. I've tried to hide it as long as I could simply because it's a difficult issue this time around. I've wanted to avoid questions that I didn't know if I could answer. Losing Austin changes everything about how I feel about this pregnancy. In the beginning I tried to ignore the fact that I was pregnant. I didn't want to become attached to a baby that I would possibly lose. The first most thing on my mind was that I would lose this baby, too. It happened before, why not again. But Cindy reminded me that I needed to have a relationship with this baby because even though I lost Austin, I love remembering him inside me and knowing him that way. Wouldn't I be sad if I lost this baby and didn't try to love it?

From the beginning I have had the attitude that there is a possibility that I will lose this baby. I think that if I have that fact in my mind and mentally prepare myself for it, if it happens I will cope with it more easily. Of course I pray every night that we will be blessed to have this baby with us here.

I am now feeling movement. It is such a happy reassurance. Dr Mulholland is going to get me a Doppler to borrow so I can hear the heartbeat anytime I want. I want this baby and I am starting to have more motherly feelings towards it. Of course I always loved it, but now I am hoping more for the future than I would let myself before. Dr M will test the baby's lungs at 36 weeks and if it's ready, out it comes. I won't have to wonder if we will make it to the next day. Remember Austin died at 38 weeks. I feel hopeful thinking that this baby will come out alive.

I am now at 20 weeks. Today I had my ultrasound. It was bittersweet. I could sit there forever watching my baby move around. I stared at the heart beating, beating, beating. The beautiful formation of the body. Everything looks wonderful. But.....at my ultrasound with Austin his heart was beating. Everything looked wonderful. There is now this flipside to how I see it all. My baby is alive today. Will it be tomorrow? A reassuring scripture I read this week says, "Look to the Lord in all thy doings; doubt not, fear not." I can't allow myself to fear. It's a difficult thing to do, but I cannot doubt, I cannot fear. Also, we were able to determine the gender of the baby. It's a

Ode to Janna

Today is your birthday

You are another year older

And wiser

We are still so young

Yet I feel like we have been friends for eternity

You are my comfort

Your house is my place of peace

Any mood is okay there

You know me so well

You are concerned about my feelings

You try not to put me in awkward positions

You let me be when I need it

And encourage when I need a push

You make me feel safe

Calm

Loved

I have cried on your shoulder so many times

And will many times more

When Austin died I didn't want to see you

When I did I didn't want you to go

You stayed by me for two entire days

You were my shield

My protector

You stay by me even now

You have hurt with me

Cried with me

Laughed with me

You love me

Heavenly Father knew I needed you as my friend

He knows that I need you still

You will be with me for whatever lies ahead

I am so blessed that I can call you my best friend

a pair of shoes

I have been reflecting back on the past few days and seeing how different I am from other mothers in some ways. Instead of having beautiful pictures to show of my baby I often show his grave marker. People (including myself) love to hear of the good news of others, new babies, milestones of kids, funny things they say. The most exciting thing that has happened to me this week is my son's headstone was put in the ground. It's not the normal happy news. I feel somewhat morbid by being so happy about it. I feel bad for begging everyone to go see it because maybe that's not what you want to do. What a way to spend a Saturday, right? Okay, so maybe too much thinking has gone into this. Maybe I'm letting what I experienced this morning affect me too much. Anyways, I want to share this poem. It describes things perfectly.

{a pair of shoes}

i am wearing a pair of shoes

they are ugly shoes

uncomfortable shoes

i hate my shoes

each day i wear them, and each day i wish i had another pair

some days my shoes hurt so bad that i do not think i can take another step

yet, i continue to wear them

i get funny looks wearing these shoes

they are looks of sympathy

i can tell in others' eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs

they never talk about my shoes

to learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable

to truly understand these shoes you must walk in them

but, once you put them on, you can never take them off

i now realize that i am not the only one who wears these shoes

there are many pairs in this world

some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them

some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much

some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they
hurt

no woman deserves to wear these shoes

yet, because of these shoes i am a stronger woman

these shoes have given me the strength to face anything

they have made me who i am

i will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


~author unknown

Spread the News!!

Austin's headstone is finally in the ground!! We went to the cemetary before church yesterday and there it was! It is so beautiful! They did so wonderful getting it in the ground straight and all. I want everyone to go see it! We will be at the cemetary this Saturday, the 10th at 3:00pm if you want to go then and see us there, too. I really want to know what everyone thinks of it. So please spread the word!

Austin is buried at Sunset Memorial Gardens off the Bypass Highway. After you turn into the cemetary, turn right and take the road all the way to the end. You'll end up at the funeral home. Austin's grave is right under a big tree in the section closest to the funeral home. (For all of you who don't live near, I'll post a picture of it after a while.)

Please go see it!!! Please go visit my baby.

Tiffani, will you put this on your blog? People read yours.