The Power of Pokemon

Who is Pokemon?? I didn't care until Logan started getting Pokemon cards for getting ready well for school every morning. Then my daughter decided that she wants Pokemon. What? You don't even know what it is!! She was having fits to get her own cards so I told her she can earn them the same way Logan does. Get ready for school without mom having to get mean. Guess what? It works. Both my girls get ready mostly by themselves every school morning so they can choose a Pokemon card. Does anyone else have girls that want these cards? I think it's insane, I made them buy their own cards, but if they are going to get ready easier I guess it's okay. I wonder how long it will work???????????

Amazing

It's amazing what happens in life. This last week has been very difficult. I had a couple of upsets, a couple of unwanted opinions, and was very discouraged. I didn't answer my phone and mostly stayed home feeling very sorry for myself. I hate when I feel like this, but also feel like I deserve to wallow in self-pity for a while. (Thanks to my friends who put up with me during these times and wait it out.)

Saturday I was starting to feel better. I went to the Relief Society Broadcast and was awed by President Uchdorf's talk. I needed to hear him speak at exactly that time. I now feel there is hope, there is a way to do better, that I will see sunlight again. I need to be reminded, but I am taking what he said to heart. He was speaking to me. I was amazed by how everything applied to me.

Also, Cindy and Karen Sharp, Thanks for the unwanted advice. I don't nessesarily agree, but I've been thinking about it so that's something. Cindy, thank you so much for your strength. Even when I'm angry at you I can feel you holding me up.

Janna, thanks for your unwavering support. I know you are a true, precious friend because you are still with me after all I have put you through. We have rough times ahead but I know we will be okay.

Thanks to all who read this and leave such thoughtful comments. I appreciate and value all of them. They often give me something to think about. I feel such tremendous support, but still don't be scared to call me. I don't write all on my blog :)

Update

Here's an update on my mental situation. My mom is coming to save me next Thursday!!!!!!!!!

I love you, Mom.

Why?

Why did this have to happen to me?? Why am I supposed to go through every day with sorrow and pain? Will it never go away? I have learned so much from this trial, but I still wonder why I have to do this. What did I do to kill my baby? Did I lie on my back too long? Was it the medicine I'm taking? What happened? There are so many people who love me and are concerned for me, but I feel so alone. I am walking through every day completely alone. Why doesn't anybody understand? Why is so much expected of me? Why am I expected to do everything so well? I try to put on a good fake face because the last thing people want to know when they ask how I am is how I am. People are uncomfortable with the hard facts of my life. I hurt so much inside. Why do I still have so many challenges? Can't something come that's easy? Will I ever have peace???

My Girls

These are pictures wonderful Janna took of my girls. Aren't they beautiful?

These jumpers were the project I was working on when Austin died. It took me a month to finally get around to finishing them. I've had them done for a while but I wanted to show them off. I've been told they look store bought!

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Today I took Savannah to the doctor because her throat hurt and she's had strep several times. They had to do the swab test and she flipped out before they even did it!! She covered her mouth with both hands and was bawling and yelling, "She better not do it! I want to go home! I'm NOT doing it!!" Finally the doctor came in and pulled her down on the bed and held her arms so the nurse could do the swab. And after all that the test was negative. Nice.

My Neighbor

The house next door to us is a rental so we've stopped trying to meet all who move in. (I know, poor attitude.) The people who live there now have been there probably since the beginning of the year and I met the husband a month ago. He was outside watering his lawn while I was shucking corn so I was friendly and started a conversation. He's really nice. He's hispanic so I had to concentrate to understand him. Anyway, I asked him how many kids he had and he told me about two kids and their ages and then he says, "We just lost a baby last month that died before it was born." Imagine now the total look of shock that I had on my face!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it! I guess the wife had placenta previa. They lost their boy in July at 36 or 37 weeks. Can you believe that someone right next door had a stillborn baby almost exactly a month after me?? It's so bizarre. And the worst thing about it is that the wife doesn't speak English so I can't even talk to her!!! What are the chances?

The Truck

So, last week Clay decided he needed a new truck. The one he has is 5 1/2 years old and has 250,000 miles on it. It also was starting to act funny so he thought it needed a new transmission which would only cost $3500 to fix. His work helped pay for this one so he was hoping to deal with them again but his boss will only pay for a gas truck and not a diesel one. Clay won't have it. "Diesel is my true love!" So this has been the topic at our house for a week. Clay decided that we couldn't afford two car payments (thank goodness) and took his truck in to be tested to see what was really wrong. It wasn't the transmission, it was something else, don't ask me what but it only cost $800 to fix. So he got that fixed, it runs like brand new, and he's in love with his truck again.

The bad news?? Guess what money was used to pay for it. That's right, the money we were saving for a headstone (which wasn't even the full cost yet). So a headstone for Austin is on hold for now. To top it off, I got a medical bill in the mail today for $250 for when I went to the doctor in June last year!!! It took our insurance company that long to tell them that the service wasn't covered.

It Made My Day

Heather Beck surprised me today by bringing me these flowers from her yard. She started to cry as she told me about how she appreciated my blog. You are so sweet!!! Today I have been pretty melancholy thinking about Austin. It really lifted my mood to have you come over out of the blue and let me know you're thinking of me. Thank you for your love!!!

The Flower

This beautiful flower is one of the many that have grown on my rosebushes. Every Sunday our family goes to the cemetary to visit Austin and we cut flowers from the rosebushes to give him. Last Saturday I noticed this flower as it was just starting to unfold (the top picture). I thought it would be neat to photograph this flower as it bloomed and then take a picture of it on Austin's grave. Kind of to show the steps of the flower as it grows for Austin and then given to him.

Later that afternoon I took the second picture as it had opened more. Then on Sunday morning it had opened so beautifully, I ran to get my camera to take a picture before church (the last picture). It looked so perfect, so exact. I had focused on this one flower so I was very pleased with how it had turned out.

After church as we were pulling into the driveway, I glanced over at the rosebushes and didn't see this rose. I got out of the car and ran over to look at it. The stem had broken and it was hanging upside down, barely connected. The petals were limp. The flower that I had chosen to photograph its journey to Austin died before I could give it to him. I held the flower in my hands and sobbed.

My son died before I could have him. The flower died before I could give it to him.

Three Months

Yesterday was three months since my precious Austin was born. It doesn't seem like it could possibly be that long. I still remember things so clearly! I miss him.

I have learned...

I have learned a lot from my trial of having a stillborn baby.

• I have learned that men and women grieve differently!!! To put it short, Clay needs his space to do it his way and I need to talk to do it my way.
  


• I have the best friends on the planet. Cindy was such a rock. She took me to the hospital, was there for the delivery, and after they took Austin, she stayed with me until I fell asleep (Clay was exhausted). Janna stayed by me for two days straight, during the funeral and then during the girls' ballet recital. Cindy, Janna, Amy, Vanessa, and River bought me a necklace that has Austin's birthstone on it, a real pearl!!

• I am loved and thought of by so many people. We received 54 sympathy cards.

• We have a wonderful ward. We were brought dinner for a month straight and then we received two weeks of freezer meals.

• My mom and dad are the best. I always knew they were something special, but they proved it again. They drove all night to be with us. They were with us when Austin was born. All my siblings also came for the funeral.

• My testimony has been strengthened so much. It wavered for a while, but when Austin died, I already knew the answers to the normal questions. I know where he is, that I am his mother and he is a part of our family, and that I will be able to raise him during the millenium. I KNOW it.

• The biggest thing I've learned is how strong I am. I never thought I could go through something difficult like this, but here I am now, a stronger person because of it. There were so many difficult things suddenly put upon me and I survived them all. The most difficult was when they had to take Austin. Before that happened, I couldn't see how I could let him go. I have been writing Austin's story, all that happened those few days when we discovered he was gone and through the funeral. The hardest part was writing about when they took him. I'd like to share that part, to share the emotions of that time.

When the man from the funeral home came he brought in a basket. What!? You are not putting my baby in a basket!! That made me tightened my hold on Austin even more. What a terrible thing to put my baby in that basket. Clay and my parents talked to the man for a minute. Then he stepped back out of the way. Clay and my parents came over to my bed. I ignored them. Austin was my baby and I didn’t have to give him to them. Clay wanted to take Austin so he could say goodbye but I knew that was just his reason for getting the baby from me. I started shaking my head and crying. My dad was on the other side of the bed. He told me that it was time for Austin to go, that we needed to think of him and do what was best for him. NO!! What is best is for me to keep my baby!! I was not giving up Austin. Clay reached down to take him but I wouldn’t let him go. My dad took my arms and held them so Clay would be able to take Austin. My dad restrained me so I couldn’t fight to keep my son. Clay kissed Austin and gave him to the man who put him in the wretched basket and left. I started screaming. NO!! That’s my baby!! Give me my baby!! I want my baby!! NO!! Please, I want my baby!! The hardest thing I had to do had been done and I felt such overwhelming grief. My baby had been taken from me. How does one go on? What is there now to do?

After a bit I stopped crying. I listened to Clay cry on one side of me, and my mom cry on the other side. I felt such peace as I had never experienced before. I wondered why I wasn’t crying anymore. But then I realized that my Heavenly Father was in that room with me, comforting me and helping me to feel my own strength. I had let my baby go and I was still breathing. Life will continue to go on and He will be with me every step. He was with me at the most difficult point of my life. He loves me and helped me to feel peace.

I cry every time I read that. I want my baby, I hurt so bad inside, but I will get up tomorrow and go on because it's what I have to do. It's what my girls need me to do. Right now life sucks...but I can't stop. I have to move forward.

My family

I have written a lot about my baby Austin, so now I'd like to fill you in about my other family members.



I'll start with the dog. (Only because I'm still figuring this out!) Cuddles is a purebred miniature dachsund. She loves feet, the sun and barking at people. She just turned 8 in August and Dakotah asked if she was going to get baptized.

This is my cutie Dakotah. She just turned 4 in August and will be going to preschool for the 2nd year. She is a huge teaser!! She looks innocent but lurking inside her is a silly monster! She loves to do ballet and to dance around the house. She is a sweetheart.

This is my sweet Savannah, who just turned 6 in August. She just started 1st grade and is gone all day!! She has lost two teeth and is working on her third. (There goes the pretty smile!) She also loves doing ballet. She very sensitive and emotional. She is a good sister and has a caring heart.

This is my husband Clay, snoozing with the dog. He works in Mattawa doing computer stuff and also works part-time for Fedex. So he's tired a lot. He gets silly when he plays games. He doesn't care when I don't make dinner (which is almost every night).

There is so much that I could say about my family but there is so little time!! I love my hubby and girls and am so thankful for them!

Dakotah

Today was Dakotah's first day of ballet. She is adorable. You could tell that she has done it before compared to some other little girls in her class. But all I could think was, "I'm just sitting here. This is too easy. I should have a baby to take care of. It's just too easy."

I'm very thankful for my little spitball Dakotah. She keeps me on my toes with her energy. She keeps my mind from wandering too far into sorrow. I love her so much. I'm so thankful for my two healthy little girls. They are growing up too fast. Tomorrow Dakotah starts preschool. What will I do by myself?? Okay, I have plenty of things in mind to do. Let's see if any of them get done!

Gotta go!! Kotah wants to play wii!

Bad Day

I am crying as I write this because of all the beautiful responses I just read!! Thank you to everyone that comments. I will always comment now on all the blogs I have been reading for months and you never knew it!!!

Yesterday at church was not good. I have figured out that being around one baby is fine, I can handle that, but being around,oh let's say, fifteen new babies (no exaggeration in our ward!) is pushing my limits. Sacrament meeting is okay because I have my own girls to distract me. But afterwards is when I have trouble.

Clay teaches the 16-17 yr old Sunday School class so I have been going to his class. (I'm hiding in there.) Yesterday no one showed up so he said," Let's go to the adult class." I started to cry just thinking about having to be in there with ALL the babies. So he went to class and I sulked in the hallways.

When I was first called to YW I dreaded it for various reasons. Now it has become my sanctuary. I feel safe in there, and I also feel more comfortable with the girls. The girls have seen somewhat how losing Austin affects me, and I think they see me as a real person, not just a leader. I have become closer to all of the girls through this. I hope they can see how I have grown from this trial and how trials make us stronger. There are so many ways that this trial has affected me for the better. I need to write about them too so you don't think I'm just a crybaby.

So yesterday was bad, but today is a new day and I feel good right now.

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