Feelings.........Nothing More Than Feelings

I am finally reading a book I received when Austin died. It's called "Gone Too Soon" by Sherri Devashrayee Wittwer and is about losing a child through stillbirth or miscarriage. I'm glad I waited to read it because I appreciate what it says more now than I think I would have if I had read it sooner. I don't think I could have handled it sooner.



There are some things written that say what I'm feeling better than I could say it myself. I'd like to share a few:



"The 'miracle of birth': it's a phrase that is tossed about lightly, perhaps with an air of frivolity. Expectant parents are told that 'women have babies every day,' that pregnancy is nothing but a 'normal' condition, and that there is 'nothing to worry about.' Yet, somewhere amidst the quiet regularity of pregnancy and birth, there is often an element of risk. That risk can lead to some of the worst pain imaginable--the loss of a child. Indeed, to many women and men whose experiences with this 'miracle' have yielded disappointment and heartache, the birth process is regarded with nothing less than reverence and deep appreciation. And giving birth to a healthy baby is nothing, if not truly miraculous."



"When a woman bonds with and prepares for the child, but returns home from the hospital with empty arms, the result can be devastating. To have that child so close and then to have it abruptly taken away might well be viewed as one of the cruelest occurrences in nature."



"Few people understand that the fact that the parents never have an opportunity to know their child better is the tragedy."



Today is nine months since Austin died. Does time heal all wounds? My heart is still breaking. It still yearns for the boy I was only able to hold for a few hours. Our lives have continued but I always have in my mind the little boy who would be nine months old and who should be enjoying life with us. I often wonder what he would look like. What would his personality be like? I don't know my own son.



I am going to have another boy, but he is not to replace Austin. He is another person. It is such a confusing array of emotions, to be mourning for the loss of one son, while praying and hoping to be given another. I desperately want this baby, but at the same time I desperately want Austin. Some days I think I may implode from the stress of carrying it all.

I LOVE YOU, AUSTIN