Christmas for Austin

We brought flowers for Austin the week before Christmas. He was of course completely buried in the snow but because we go so often I estimated quite closely to where he was. I swiped the snow in one place and uncovered the flowers we had left there. I was only a foot below him! How's that for accuracy?

On Christmas Day we visited Austin with the Grossnickles. We found him more easily this time because of the flowers. We gave him the froggie and Janna gave him the snowman angel. It was so peaceful. I knelt there and shivered and thought about my son. This would be his first Christmas and he would be six months old. I kept thinking about what we were missing. I'm so grateful for my girls because I can do so much with them.

Sunday we visited again. There was no snow!! I love how it melts so fast here. While we were there another couple came to visit their little one. It is a recent burial, only a few months. We noticed when it was put in and there is always toys and such around the marker. We were leaving when they came. I sat in my car and watched them for a minute, wondering about them. They were a young couple; this must have been their first child. There are so many things around this marker, I can tell that she misses her child terribly. She pulled out dead flowers and straightened the things that had fallen over. How is she doing? How is she dealing with this trial in her life? Does she have a wonderful support system like me? I am so grateful that I have other children to distract me from my grief. I am so grateful for friends that tell me straight and make me think about things but they also know when I need silence. I'm so grateful for my parents that worry about me too much. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and his guiding hand in my life.

P.S. The headstone is in!! They just have to wait for the ground to unfreeze. It is perfect.

Good news all around

We got our ring and necklace that we ordered with Austin's handprint on it. They came the Monday before Christmas. It was perfect because I wrapped Clay's and hid it in his stocking and surprised him with it!!!

This is my necklace with Austin's handprint. It is inscribed

with his name and birthdate on the back.

This is Clay's ring. It has Austin's handprint all the way around it.

It is also inscribed with his name and birthdate.

Aren't they wonderful?? I am loving my necklace.

Austin is with me every place I go.

Clay got me a digital picture frame and I can access all my pictures on my computer from it. So every day I choose a new file to display! It's fun to have my Christmas pictures already showing. It's fun.

Also, Clay is done driving!!! How exciting is that!!! I am ready to welcome the new year!!

The I-Mean-Business way to open a gift

Christmas Feelings

I've been having kind of a tough time with the holidays this year. Every holiday is just a reminder that, oh, my baby is not here to enjoy all these firsts. Christmas has been especially difficult. I find myself wondering why we do all these things like put a tree in our house, hang up lights, the endless presents. Why can't it just be about the Savior and nothing else??

I really didn't want to put a tree in our house. My husband overruled me, though, saying the girls need to have it, which is right. So I set about researching why we do a silly thing. I would like to share what I discovered.

The Egyptians put green palm leaves in their homes to symbolize life's triumph over death.

The Germans and Scandinavians put a tree in their homes to show their hope for the forthcoming spring.

Martin Luther was the first to put lighted candles on a tree, trying to recreate the starlit sky that shone over Bethlehem.

A Christmas tree symbolizes the Christmas spirit.

Okay, now it's easier for me to deal with. So my tree for me is the starlit sky that shone over Bethlehem. The only thing I could find about why we decorate the trees is that Queen Victoria did it, so everyone else did too. Our tree stood in our living room for a week with nothing on it, and I admit it looks better with our ornaments on. I enjoyed myself with my family remembering the memories that go with every ornament.

I wish you all a happy holiday season and hope we all remember our Savior, the real reason of Christmas.

Six Months

I don't understand the passing of time. The thought of six months since I held my precious baby makes me think different things. It doesn't seem to be that long ago. I can close my eyes and see evey detail of Austin's face, remember how soft his skin felt. I remember the sorrow and anguish I felt when he was born not breathing. I vividly remember how I felt that a piece of my soul was being torn from me when he was taken from my arms. I also vividly remember the feelings of peace and love I felt at both those times. And yet six months feels like a long time. How long it was since I last held him, how long since I looked on his face. I feel like so many things have changed in this time, especially me, but, really, is it only six months? How can time keep passing and I sometimes feel that I am standing still?

Six months since my child was placed in this box. I can't even describe the feeling of seeing my son in a box having a lid placed on top. It was so final. This little casket holds my beautiful baby boy. I pray that it will keep him and protect him.

Austin, I miss you so much. I long to have you with me and our family. I long to see what you would look like now, to see your personality. I know you are in our Heavenly Father's care. I know you have a special mission, and that you are too precious to be in this earth. I am grateful to have my own personal angel helping to guide me home. I pray that I can do what I need to so I will be able to be with you again. Please watch over our family. I love you.

Goings On at the Hayes House

I made these cute jammies for Savannah. When we tried to put the shirt on, it wouldn't fit over her head! (The material wasn't stretchy enough.) So I had to get creative

(I don't do well with creative) and now it fits.

This poor guy has been worn out working two jobs. But he will look like this no more! His boss at his "day job" gave him a raise that is equivalent to what he earns at FedEx so he is quitting FedEx at the end of the month. (Christmas season is not a good time to bail.)I'm soooo excited!! I get my husband back!

After some trial the headstone for Austin is officially ordered. I'm so anxious to have it replace this small marker (which we are keeping). It was such a peaceful feeling to be able to write a check for the whole amount and be done with it. Thanks to all who have supported us. The headstone should be in place by February.

We have our own Santa this year. I'm having a bit of trouble with the holiday

season but I guess it's not so bad if I still bought this!

Crazy Kid

Has this ever happened to you?

I made spaghetti for dinner tonight, something we eat frequently. The whole time I was cooking Savannah kept whining about how she doesn't like spaghetti and she won't eat it. At the table she sat on her plate and was still complaining so I asked her what she would like for dinner tomorrow. She answered with soup. Okay, I'll make soup tomorrow. Clay asked if we had any Cup of Noodles that she could have right then. So Savannah got one and Clay started making it for her.

Savannah sat back at the table with us and asked, "Can I have spaghetti while I wait for my soup to be done?"

That's a big fat NO!

I love my mom

"Take My Hand" by Greg Olsen

My mom bought me this picture!!! I love it!! I see my Austin walking along, being taken care of by Jesus.

Update on the headstone: They got it right! We'll go in next week to sign the contract and work on it will start. So in about two months it should be in the ground. I'm so glad that production will begin soon.

Baby Book

When I was pregnant with Austin I bought a baby book for him, as I have one for all my kids. But when he died, I didn't want to use the book. I wouldn't ever be able to fill in most of the pages and that would make it hard to look at. I asked my friend Cindy if she would take the book and, using it as an example, copy the pages that would only pertain to Austin. She handed it over to Nicole Z. who is the queen of scrapbooking. This book she made looks almost exactly like the book I bought. It is better than I imagined it would be and I have a baby book for my beautiful son that I will be able to fill in all pages of it! Thank you, Cindy and Nicole!!!! It is beautiful!!

Cute thing

We have company coming for Thanksgiving. My brother and his wife are going to sleep in the girls room. So while they were both at school today I took the liberty of cleaning their room and getting rid of a lot of "treasures." Dakotah came home from school and was so happy with how nice her room looked.

When Dakotah finished eating lunch I asked her to start cleaning up Austin's room (we still call it that because that's what it was supposed to be) and I would help her when I finished eating. She went in and started. A few minutes later she came out and said she was done, she did it all herself and I needed to come look. I looked and she had cleaned the whole room herself and did quite a nice job.

I said," Thank you, Dakotah! I'm so happy that you cleaned it up all by yourself!"

She said," I'm so happy that you cleaned up my room, Mommy."

Melt my heart!! What a sweetheart!

Dakotah's Talent

I didn't know Dakotah could do this:

Pics From The Benefit Dinner

Helpers in the kitchen

Our table. I don't look too bad!

Kim who made it all possible is on the left. Thank you, Kim!

The entertainment for Friday.

The delicious food.

Clay had been up since 2:00 am driving for Fedex. It shows a little.

Frustration

Oh My Goodness!!!! How hard is it to get a stupid headstone done? We have most of the design done, we just wanted to change a couple things. It's really hard to get your idea across when you're dealing with an 80 year old man who's deaf!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For Our Benefit

On Friday and Saturday evenings we had the opportunity of eating at the finest diner. We had friendly servers, delicious food, relaxing entertainment, and pleasant company. Oh yeah, and everyone that ate there those evenings were there to support my family. And support us they did!!

To those who don't know what I'm talking about, our friends put together a benefit dinner to raise money for Austin's headstone. It was very well planned, every detail thought of. There were even mints! It was at a beautiful, big house with a wonderful cook preparing everything and donating the food as her contribution. All my friends were guests one night and helpers the other night. There was live entertainment both nights. I didn't know some people that came on Saturday. They contributed money to a perfect stranger. I can't describe the feeling that I had when I would look around the room and know that everyone was there for the specific purpose of supporting our family. It is very humbling and mind-boggling. They raised enough money for us to be able to purchase Austin's headstone and the grave marker that is at his grave now. It is such a relief to be able to go forward with that and not have to worry about the money. We have an appt at the cemetary tomorrow (Tues) so hopefully we can finish it and be satisfied with it. I want it to be just perfect.

They also raised enough money for us to get a couple keepsakes of Austin. Before they buried him, they took a print of his hand. They can shrink it and engrave it into a necklace. They call it Thumbies. I will be able to get the necklace and Clay wants a ring that will have Austin's handprint all the way around it. I love it, we will have a part of him with us always. I'm so excited to have the money to do this! I was going to save a little every month from my money I earn teaching piano, but now I don't have to wait a year to have enough money saved. I can have it in two months.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to Kim M!!!! Without you, this may not have happened. Thank you for wanting to help us and planning such a wonderful evening. Thank you to all who helped. There are so many of you who helped!!

When the headstone is put in I want everyone to go see it! I'll let you know when, they said it takes two months from when they get the order to when it's put in the ground.

Some Thoughts I've Had

I've been reading the October Ensign. It's amazing how after having my own personal tragedy, everything suddenly pertains to me. While reading the article "Feeding His Sheep through Visiting Teaching", I was surprised to read about a women who went through my exact experience. Her words could be my words. My pain is the same as hers. I was glad to read that her former visiting teacher was there to help her. I very vividly remember how I felt and was so glad that I had loving people around me during those sad moments. (Sad doesn't even begin to describe it, but I can't think of something better right now!)

Reading that article caused me to think of my own wonderful VT. Catherine P. is the best I've ever had. She made an effort at the beginning to befriend me and gain my trust so when tradegy struck, I already knew that she really did care about me. She has been so kind and thoughtful and is someone that I can be open with. Because she took her job as a VT seriously before, she has been welcomed to share some of my grief now.

Catherine helped me to make this shadow box of reminders of Austin.



The other article that struck with me was called "The Lord Can Ease Our Burdens" by Elder Maury E. Schooff. He said, "Murmuring can … be noisy enough that it drowns out the various spiritual signals to us, signals which tell us in some cases to quit soaking ourselves indulgently in the hot tubs of self-pity! Murmuring over the weight of our crosses not only takes energy otherwise needed to carry them but might cause another to put down his cross altogether.” BOOM!! I was hit with that very hard. That is what I have been doing. I have been soaking in self-pity for so long I'm surprised I haven't drowned. Every moment I just feel sorry for myself. It's hard not to when all around me are people who are having healthy babies. But what is it doing to me? To my family, specifically my girls? To my friends? To my view on life? To my health??

So I have seen the light, so to speak. I know what I need to stop doing. That's one step. Now I just need to figure out how to stop doing it.

We just got back from being in Idaho for a week. It was a very nice break for me. I didn't really do anything. I didn't have to clean or cook. I slept in every day. My mom did everything. She cleaned, cooked, did laundry, cleaned up after the girls messes, and worked every day. Thanks, Mom, for taking good care of us.



Savannah is lovely Belle for Halloween.

Dakotah is a kitten. (The way she acted, I told people she was a cat with rabies.)

This is what Clay did for the whole week which included his birthday. He caught three steelhead fish and gave them away to family because his wife won't let him bring them home.

How I Feel Today

How thin the veil between the worlds

On the day of birth

And the day of death.

One moment your spirit resided

Within a sweet, perfect body

Cradled within mine.

The next it had fled

Back to where we all long to be.

A sacred gift it was

To be so close to Father in Heaven

As we welcomed you from His presence

And bid you farewell as you returned.

A holy privilege it is

To be your mother.

The only time you knew away from Him

Was the time you spent next to my heart.

By Michelle Baker

I miss my baby. My arms feel empty just thinking about him. I'm feeling sorry for myself right now, too. Why me, nobody understands, all the usual crap is swirling around my head. I feel lost and depressed. I have to act like I'm doing okay and that bothers me. Why can't I just be depressed? Because people don't like me that way. I'm trying, I really am, but I'm tired of pretending. I am NOT okay. Things are NOT going well. I don't want to pretend anymore.

Written 3 hours later:

I just got my mail. In there was a note from Alicia L telling me she thinks about me, and also a CD from River. The first song hits very close to home. Thank you for your kindness and love. I needed it today. I needed a reminder that I am someone and I received two. Thank you.

My Poor Girls

Aren't they cute? These pictures are at their birthday party in August in Idaho Falls.

So, I'll tell you why I say "poor girls". Their thinking has been altered by what has happened to us. Janna had her baby last week and I told my girls that I was going to the hospital. Savannah said, " Oh, I hope it's alive!" The next day I showed Dakotah the new baby's picture and that evening when Clay came home she was telling him about the picture and she said,"And it's alive, Daddy, it's alive!"

How sad!! Before they just assumed that a new baby was alive, now they question that. I hurt that they have to deal with death so closely at such a young age. It has affected them as much as it as affected me. They waited for Austin's birth as excitedly as I did. Often out of nowhere Savannah will say that she misses Austin or that she wishes he didn't die. Dakotah sometimes will be sad about it. She'll say, "I'm sad that Austin died. Are you sad too Mommy?" Then we will be sad together for a while. I want to help them know that being sad and missing him are okay feelings to have and if they want to be sad then it's okay to be sad. They have seen me cry sometimes and they comfort me. They have such sweet hearts.

I love my girls and am so thankful that I have them to help me through this. It would be much harder if I didn't have them as a reason to get up every morning.

Hard Things

Elaine S. Dalton, the General Young Woman President said at the beginning of her talk: "I had a small plate inscribed with a motto that read, “I can do hard things.” That little plate bearing that simple motto gave me courage. But now if I could change that motto, it would read: “In the strength of the Lord, I can do all things.”

That is how I feel today. In the strength of the Lord, I CAN do all things. Yesterday I did two of the hardest things yet. I am still breathing. I have taken another step. Tomorrow may be a little easier. I went to the hospital to see Janna who just had her baby. I almost didn't go, I had a hard time going back there, like to the scene of the crime. But in wonderful Janna fashion she told the nurses to NOT put her in Room 17, the room I was in. They highlighted it on her chart. So I knew I at least wouldn't have to go to the same room.

Janna was in Room 7, which is the same room my Dakotah was born in! That was good, good things had happened to me here, too. That was a good reminder. Cindy went with me, so I had her strength with me. I paused at the door, starting to cry, but I went in and went straight to Janna. We hugged and cried a few minutes. I didn't see the baby until I was ready. Then I looked at her for a while. Then I held her. I stood holding her and just cried and cried. All I could think was that I wanted my baby, it made me miss Austin so much. I also kept thinking that she's breathing, she's moving slightly, I noticed all the little things that my Austin didn't do. It was very sad for me, but I also realized that it didn't kill me to hold another baby. I'm not suddenly cured, I don't think church will be suddenly easy for me, but I have taken another step.

So, there's a song for everything and the one that I kept thinking of last night says something like--

"With God, nothing is impossible.
But you must reach to take his hand.
With God, nothing is impossible.
Those who have ears to hear will understand."

Today the song in my head is one from Rodgers and Hammerstein--


"When you walk through a storm hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind, Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone."

I am still walking through a storm. But I am NOT alone. Not only do I have my loving Heavenly Father and my family with me, I have you friends who care about me. I know about the benefit dinner for Austin and I was blown away. I am shocked that people care so much for us that you are willing to go to such lengths to help us have closer with Austin's headstone. Thank you for caring so much that you are willing to donate money so my baby can have a headstone. I cannot express how I feel. I am amazed by how many people were in on it! I love you all and appreciate you.

Our unwelcome guest

We have a doggie door for our dog Cuddles so she can go in and out as she pleases. It's the best thing we ever bought. It saves me from being her personal doorman all day.

UNTIL..................................................

We figure out that a cat has been coming in the doggie door and eating Cuddles' food!! Not cool!! I have seen the cat three times and it does not please me that there is a strange cat IN MY HOUSE!! While Cuddles is safely tucked in her bed this cat is coming in and Cuddles doesn't have a clue. What a security dog.

So, if you have a cat, please feed it so it won't eat my dog's food!

This is for you, Meich!!

Fourth folder, fourth picture. Clay's helicopter ride. Yeah, this is exciting.

Four Months

Take My Hand Greg Olson

A lot can happen in four months. And yet I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in that time. Life is still hard. I guess some things are easier, but mostly because it's been there and I have to deal with it whether I want to or not. I have had to deal with a lot of hard things. I'm still breathing, so I guess that's something.

It's been four months since Austin died. I can still close my eyes and feel him in my arms. I can feel his soft skin and hair under my fingers. I can feel his fingers as I wrap them around one of mine. I see his perfect face, his perfect body. I remember most of my time that I had with him. I hope I can always close my eyes and see him there.

I prepared so much for his arrival. Now I feel that I

am missing out on so many things. All things you experience with a newborn. I feel left out when I see other new moms.

I am taking to heart what several people have told me. I am going to give myself time. I will take whatever time and go as slow as I need to. If something makes me uncomfortable I will remove myself from the situation. I will not allow certain things to be forced on me. I will take all the time I need. I hope my friends will be patient with me because I do not want to be pushed to be done grieving. I need help, I need love and kind words.

I love the small acts of kindness I have benefited from. My mom has given me the challenge to write down one good thing that has happened every day. A lot of the time it is a kind act that someone has done for me. Some days I struggle to think of something. I like that I will have evidence that good things happened during this time. Thank you for thinking of me.

The Frog

Some things that have happened since Austin died I like to keep to myself for a while. Now I'm ready to share this story.

First you need to know that I like frogs. They are my knick knack that I collect. I have a lot of frogs of all sizes.

We go to the cemetary every Sunday. About two months ago when we went Dakotah found a little frog that was hopping around. Clay tried to catch it without any luck. It was jumping around like crazy when it landed on Austin's grave marker and STAYED THERE. It sat there for probably five minutes. It was amazing!! I was so close to it that I could see it breathing. I thought it would move but it didn't. As I stared at it I imagined that Austin was in heaven nudging the frog along, like it was a way to tell me that he was okay, he was fine. I like to think of it as my frog from heaven.

Our Fantastic Aprons!!

We made aprons for our Young Women for YW in Excellence and they loved them!! They better, after all our effort and time! I want to show off our handiwork!


These are the aprons I made.


The other aprons were made by Rachel J. and Shellie H.

I made this one!!

And this one!

And this one!!

The Power of Pokemon

Who is Pokemon?? I didn't care until Logan started getting Pokemon cards for getting ready well for school every morning. Then my daughter decided that she wants Pokemon. What? You don't even know what it is!! She was having fits to get her own cards so I told her she can earn them the same way Logan does. Get ready for school without mom having to get mean. Guess what? It works. Both my girls get ready mostly by themselves every school morning so they can choose a Pokemon card. Does anyone else have girls that want these cards? I think it's insane, I made them buy their own cards, but if they are going to get ready easier I guess it's okay. I wonder how long it will work???????????

Amazing

It's amazing what happens in life. This last week has been very difficult. I had a couple of upsets, a couple of unwanted opinions, and was very discouraged. I didn't answer my phone and mostly stayed home feeling very sorry for myself. I hate when I feel like this, but also feel like I deserve to wallow in self-pity for a while. (Thanks to my friends who put up with me during these times and wait it out.)

Saturday I was starting to feel better. I went to the Relief Society Broadcast and was awed by President Uchdorf's talk. I needed to hear him speak at exactly that time. I now feel there is hope, there is a way to do better, that I will see sunlight again. I need to be reminded, but I am taking what he said to heart. He was speaking to me. I was amazed by how everything applied to me.

Also, Cindy and Karen Sharp, Thanks for the unwanted advice. I don't nessesarily agree, but I've been thinking about it so that's something. Cindy, thank you so much for your strength. Even when I'm angry at you I can feel you holding me up.

Janna, thanks for your unwavering support. I know you are a true, precious friend because you are still with me after all I have put you through. We have rough times ahead but I know we will be okay.

Thanks to all who read this and leave such thoughtful comments. I appreciate and value all of them. They often give me something to think about. I feel such tremendous support, but still don't be scared to call me. I don't write all on my blog :)

Update

Here's an update on my mental situation. My mom is coming to save me next Thursday!!!!!!!!!

I love you, Mom.

Why?

Why did this have to happen to me?? Why am I supposed to go through every day with sorrow and pain? Will it never go away? I have learned so much from this trial, but I still wonder why I have to do this. What did I do to kill my baby? Did I lie on my back too long? Was it the medicine I'm taking? What happened? There are so many people who love me and are concerned for me, but I feel so alone. I am walking through every day completely alone. Why doesn't anybody understand? Why is so much expected of me? Why am I expected to do everything so well? I try to put on a good fake face because the last thing people want to know when they ask how I am is how I am. People are uncomfortable with the hard facts of my life. I hurt so much inside. Why do I still have so many challenges? Can't something come that's easy? Will I ever have peace???

My Girls

These are pictures wonderful Janna took of my girls. Aren't they beautiful?

These jumpers were the project I was working on when Austin died. It took me a month to finally get around to finishing them. I've had them done for a while but I wanted to show them off. I've been told they look store bought!

*************************************************************************************

Today I took Savannah to the doctor because her throat hurt and she's had strep several times. They had to do the swab test and she flipped out before they even did it!! She covered her mouth with both hands and was bawling and yelling, "She better not do it! I want to go home! I'm NOT doing it!!" Finally the doctor came in and pulled her down on the bed and held her arms so the nurse could do the swab. And after all that the test was negative. Nice.

My Neighbor

The house next door to us is a rental so we've stopped trying to meet all who move in. (I know, poor attitude.) The people who live there now have been there probably since the beginning of the year and I met the husband a month ago. He was outside watering his lawn while I was shucking corn so I was friendly and started a conversation. He's really nice. He's hispanic so I had to concentrate to understand him. Anyway, I asked him how many kids he had and he told me about two kids and their ages and then he says, "We just lost a baby last month that died before it was born." Imagine now the total look of shock that I had on my face!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't believe it! I guess the wife had placenta previa. They lost their boy in July at 36 or 37 weeks. Can you believe that someone right next door had a stillborn baby almost exactly a month after me?? It's so bizarre. And the worst thing about it is that the wife doesn't speak English so I can't even talk to her!!! What are the chances?

The Truck

So, last week Clay decided he needed a new truck. The one he has is 5 1/2 years old and has 250,000 miles on it. It also was starting to act funny so he thought it needed a new transmission which would only cost $3500 to fix. His work helped pay for this one so he was hoping to deal with them again but his boss will only pay for a gas truck and not a diesel one. Clay won't have it. "Diesel is my true love!" So this has been the topic at our house for a week. Clay decided that we couldn't afford two car payments (thank goodness) and took his truck in to be tested to see what was really wrong. It wasn't the transmission, it was something else, don't ask me what but it only cost $800 to fix. So he got that fixed, it runs like brand new, and he's in love with his truck again.

The bad news?? Guess what money was used to pay for it. That's right, the money we were saving for a headstone (which wasn't even the full cost yet). So a headstone for Austin is on hold for now. To top it off, I got a medical bill in the mail today for $250 for when I went to the doctor in June last year!!! It took our insurance company that long to tell them that the service wasn't covered.

It Made My Day

Heather Beck surprised me today by bringing me these flowers from her yard. She started to cry as she told me about how she appreciated my blog. You are so sweet!!! Today I have been pretty melancholy thinking about Austin. It really lifted my mood to have you come over out of the blue and let me know you're thinking of me. Thank you for your love!!!

The Flower

This beautiful flower is one of the many that have grown on my rosebushes. Every Sunday our family goes to the cemetary to visit Austin and we cut flowers from the rosebushes to give him. Last Saturday I noticed this flower as it was just starting to unfold (the top picture). I thought it would be neat to photograph this flower as it bloomed and then take a picture of it on Austin's grave. Kind of to show the steps of the flower as it grows for Austin and then given to him.

Later that afternoon I took the second picture as it had opened more. Then on Sunday morning it had opened so beautifully, I ran to get my camera to take a picture before church (the last picture). It looked so perfect, so exact. I had focused on this one flower so I was very pleased with how it had turned out.

After church as we were pulling into the driveway, I glanced over at the rosebushes and didn't see this rose. I got out of the car and ran over to look at it. The stem had broken and it was hanging upside down, barely connected. The petals were limp. The flower that I had chosen to photograph its journey to Austin died before I could give it to him. I held the flower in my hands and sobbed.

My son died before I could have him. The flower died before I could give it to him.